


Between walls.

by Anonymous



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anti-Depressants, Arguing, Crying, Depression, Falling In Love, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Forehead Kisses, Found Family, Friendship, Graffiti, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda, Kissing, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of a Coma, Minor Character Death, Mood Swings, Panic Attacks, Promises, References to colors!, Sad Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Sad with a Happy Ending, Seo Changbin-centric, Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, changlix need a hug, felix does graffiti lol, minsung are just there idk why, pls read notes!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-23 02:27:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30048510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: "Some people have soulmates who are meant for each other to help each other. You might not even realize that they're your soulmate but the second you're struggling, they will come and save your life." His mom had once said. Her words were implausible.He didn't believe it then, but at the age of sixteen, he changed his mind, being proved otherwise.Maybe some soulmates were really made to save each other.Or, alternatively: When Changbin discovers that he has a soulmate, the last thing he expects is to be greeted with bubbly girl crush songs playing in his head.Oh, and the stranger in the alley, who seems to hide more than just the tears streaking down his face.
Relationships: Lee Felix/Seo Changbin
Kudos: 8
Collections: Winter Nights & Summer Days: Round One





	Between walls.

**Author's Note:**

> For changlixficfest round one! <3
> 
> please read the notes before you begin !
> 
> This fic has talks of suicide, minor character death (not felix and changbin) and about pills, mental health problems, coma and an alcohol overdose! (not felix or changbin) If any of these trigger PLEASE click off because I am not going to be warning you before the scenes start.
> 
> If you’re comfortable with that, please continue ! hope you enjoy !! ^__^

The sky seems gloomy when Changbin glances up, like a cloak of darkness is draped over, falling onto tall buildings and settling its shadowy presence in the abandoned streets. The moon balances the darkness out with its hazy luminance, glimmering in the sky like a guardian that’s there to make the night less scarier. The night itself is lulling and slow like the nights where Changbin struggles to fall asleep, the weather is chilly, but not to the point where he needs to be under a massive amount of clothing. A perfect amount of hot and cold. Changbin wishes he had a balance like that in his life. Something that works well. Something that everyone can enjoy.

He enjoys nights like these; where he ventures out for a walk to clear his haphazard mind. He passes faceless strangers, and he finds comfort in the fact that they’re out in the middle of the night like him, looking for a little getaway, where no one’s being judged, made fun of. There’s noise mingling in the air; he doesn’t know what it is and where it comes from, yet it’s still more comforting than an eerie dead silence. 

To be frank, he doesn’t even know where he is. All he remembers is glancing at his clock once and then sauntering out of his apartment at two in the night monotonously. He gets like this sometimes; his mind on autopilot after thinking for so long, just mindlessly existing. He had been trying to work on some lyrics, It’s been a while since he had time to work on songs, all courtesy of the assignments he’s piled under. 

He feels annoyed too; there’s a vexatious feeling nagging in the back of his head. After finally being done with his work, he had the chance to write, only for it to be ruined by own mind. 

Sometimes, everything is just too much. When there’s so much going on in his life, his mind just… goes blank. Head empty, no thoughts being processed, and that would be delightful for someone that needs to rest, or have a break for a while, but it isn’t pleasant for him. 

People like him, they can’t ever take a rest. He’s always busy: with schoolwork, writing songs, producing them, and hell, he even started rapping just so he had something to do. So, when his mind just stops, he isn’t able to focus on things, he feels empty, because what is the point? He has got nothing to do and staying engaged is better than doing nothing at all.

He’s working, he’s busy, and then suddenly he's not. It’s frustrating, especially because he enjoys writing lyrics, but the one time he’s free, his mind doesn’t let him. Hence why he’s out in the middle of the night, talking a walk. 

The wind acknowledges his presence and welcomes him gleefully, brushing past his arm like the touch of a finger, as if reaching out to him in veneration. It makes goosebumps rise up on his skin, but it also makes him feel grounded. The chills remind him that he's just like everyone else, that he's just human. 

He sadly knows he’s lost too; this side of the town he’s in isn’t familiar to him. It’s more raggedy than the chic downtown area that he lives in. There’s barely people around, the stores around him are closed and grubby, and he’s only passed one open grocery if he remembers correctly. The streetlights are dull, making a soft blanket of shadows fall over the streets, and when he looks at a four-storey old building all he sees is a soft light coming from one of the windows, the rest all dark and grey. He knows he can just call a cab using his phone as they run twenty four-seven, and if he gets kidnapped well then...he gets kidnapped. That’s that. (Well, maybe he’s not the smartest person ever, but he’s an introvert, so he barely leaves his house.)

He gets startled by the sound of a dog barking in the distance, and okay, maybe he's walked far enough. The road in front of him seems endless, and just looking at the distance makes him want to retreat back, his footsteps turning heavier by every step he takes. 

Out of nowhere, the sound of something rattling erupts from near him. Changbin holds his breath. There's a short, suffocating pause, and then the rattling is heard again, this time much louder and vigorous, like who ever is causing it is getting impatient. It sounds vaguely like the sound you hear when someone jerks a soft drink can, and now that it's louder, he understands that the sound is coming from in front of him, where the road opens to what looks like a small alley. 

With his curiosity piqued, he walks to the left cautiously, his footsteps deliberate and light to avoid making noise. Placing his palm on the dilapidated wall, he cranes his neck, stealing a glance at the alley. 

He doesn't know what he expected to see, maybe a murder with a knife in his hand, but this is not what he expected. 

The alley is between two buildings. it's compact, and is probably the width of a metro or train. There's soft orange light that falls from above, where he can see a single tube light hung over from a window. It flickers unrhythmically, and the electricity sparks occasionally. However, what catches his attention is the boy that stands in the middle of the alley. He’s dressed in black sweatpants, and has the hood of his black jacket over his head. He looks a little taller than Changbin himself, and in his hand is a silver bottle of spray paint. 

The boy shakes the bottle of paint aggressively, before bringing it towards the brick wall that's decorated with what looks like a blob of dark color; Changbin can’t make out what’s drawn on it properly because of the angle that he’s looking at it with. When the boy holds the top of the can again, No color comes out; there's just the sound of air spraying. 

The boy heaves a worn out sigh like he’s given up, and then the bottle slips from his hand. It clatters to the ground, and then rolls away behind the boy's foot. Changbin winces at the resonating sound. 

The boy pauses, and Changbin can’t see his expression; he assumes the boy feels irked. The boy lifts his hands up and buries his face in them. His shoulders stutter, and although confused, Changbin can tell that the boy is crying. 

Then, the boy takes a step back, and Changbin’s eyes widen comically as the boy accidentally steps on the can of paint. His foot slips as the can slides away from under it. The boy falls backwards and lands on his ass, and Changbin can’t even get himself to find it funny because of how painful it looks. He expects the boy to get back up, but the boy stays put in his place, bringing his knees up to his chest and covering his face with his dirty hands. The boy sobs– it’s melancholic and laced with despair. Changbin’s heart clenches for him. 

From the way the boy seems to bring his legs closer to himself, it seems like he’s trying to make himself smaller, like he’s unnoticeable, like he isn’t there at all. Changbin deems him to be harmless, and with that he divulges himself and moves away from the wall. Obviously, the boy doesn’t notice. Changbin wants to hold him, or comfort him at the least. He doesn’t know how he will, or what he’d say to the boy, but he thinks, _‘fuck it_ ’ and starts walking.

As he gets closer he notices a black duffle bag placed in front of the wall; he can’t make out what’s in it, but he assumes it belongs to the boy. There’s a small keychain on one of the zippers, it looks like a paintbrush. There’s a thin dull beige colored spot on the bottom of the wall, building up to create a weird polygon-like shape that takes over half of the wall, like a lanky stick from a tree, except thicker and wider in width. 

Changbin kneels before the boy, keeping the safe distance of about four feet before he carefully reaches a hand out and holds it over the boy's shoulder. He contemplates; he's never been good at making smart decisions, especially at four in the night. 

He taps his finger on the boy's shoulder; really gently, but hard enough to make himself known. 

The boy's head snaps up, his eyes quivering as he holds his hands over his upper body like he's shielding himself. No sound is uttered; the boy is holding his breath. He has young, soft features, and looks like he's not a day over seventeen. From this distance Changbin can see how the boy has pale, porcelain skin that's littered with warm freckles. They drape around the outward corner of his eyes and they fall on his cheeks like fine glitter, a spellbinding sight.

There's a streak of koi blue over his left cheekbone. Blue, which reminds him of the serenity he feels when he looks at the waves caper in the sea. Blue, which looks like the poised sky at midday, with the sun hidden behind a cluster of clouds. Blue, which looks extremely out of place on the boys tear stained face. 

The boy stares at him with widened eyes, his eyelashes awkwardly clumped to each other due to his tears. Changbin can see his tears pool in his eyes, making his eyes glisten. They hold fear in them.

At the realization, Changbin notices what situation he put himself in. "I'm not here to hurt you!" He pulls his hand away from the boy's shoulder, and then holds them in the air to show that his hands are empty. The boy glances at them and gulps. "I saw you fall, so I got concerned and… are you okay?" That's probably a stupid thing to ask; the boy has tears on his face, for hell's sake. 

He remembers, everytime he would cry, if someone would ask if he was alright, he'd start crying even more. The boy does exactly that. As if his question unravels the emotions from within him. A drop breaks the dam forming in the boys eyes. One tear slides down, it leaves a stain on his cheeks, which reminds him vaguely of raindrops dripping down a car window unsteadily, it beckons him back to the roadtrips that he’d go on with his parents. The first tear falls, and then the rest descend immediately, like letting go of something you’ve been holding on to for so long; the tears keep falling, and falling. 

The boy keeps his head down in an attempt to hide his face, and Changbin can't help but envelop him in his arms. He wraps them around the body upper back awkwardly and stiffly, waiting to see if the boy will push him away or not. 

Instead the boy unveils the most vulnerable part of himself to him, a mere stranger. In front of him, Changbin sees a strange image. A boy without a resilient veneer. A boy with darkness enclosing on him. He cries downheartedly. Changbin pulls him closer, as if doing that will bid the obscure shadows away.

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



It's eldritch how he's meeting a young boy that he knows nothing about in an alley, but said boy has been crying in his arms for the past hour, so the situation feels a lot… tamer, perhaps? Or less alerting. Either way, Changbin doesn’t feel as wary as he should be, no, scratch that. He _can’t_ feel as wary, not when the boy has his fingers clenching his t-shirt. It’s a toddler-like gesture, even when the boy looks like he’s the same age as him. A weird combination, he supposes. 

Due to how early it is, Changbin feels his eyes water due to the lack of sleep he's had when he yawns. They sting when he presses them close, blinking back tears– well, are they really tears? He presumes that it doesn’t matter. When he opens them he feels fresher, like the fresher when you haven’t slept for days and can feel your sanity deteriorating. Both of them are shaking, The boy because he’s crying, and Changbin because all he’s wearing in the crisp night is a thin tee. (Although the boy warms him up a little with his body heat.) 

The boys hysterical weeping has dwindled down to shallow hyperventilating yet he’s still finding warmth in Changbin chest, and the wet patch of tears on his tee feels warm because the boy has his cheek rested on it. There’s a timid silence, and Changbin dare doesn’t break it, leaving it in the boys hand, to take the situation wherever he wants. 

Then the boy chuckles, a deep, empty one. Changbin feels it against his chest. 

"Ah, here I go being a burden to everyone. I've wasted your time, haven't I?" The boys voice filters through the quiet night. His voice is muffled; Changbin feels shocked at how deep it is. His words are pronounced lazily, they're drawn out and sedate on like the night.

"Don't say you're a burden. I'm here willingly." He replies, ignoring the boys question. The stranger shifts in his arms. 

"Promise?" His words sound heavy. A wrong answer, words that the boy doesn’t want to hear, and everything between them would break. It’d shatter, and they’d go back to moving on with their lives, leaving the memories of this night to wither away. 

Changbin knows what to answer, so he does. "I promise." He doesn't even know the boy, but when he speaks in such a small, vulnerable voice, Changbin thinks he deserves nothing short of everything. 

A second passes. All Changbin can hear is the way their hearts beat in contentment, creating an idyllic rhythm that only the two of them sense. 

The boy pulls away, Changbins limp hands fall from the boys back, and he furrows his eyebrows, wondering if he said something wrong. The boy tilts his head up to the sky, his dark bangs parting in the middle of his forehead, and then his mouth falls open. Out of curiosity, Changbin looks up too, and realizes that the sky looks much lighter, indicating that it's almost sunrise. 

"I've got to go…" The boy mutters, and then rubs his droopy eyes with the back of his palm. Changbin reaches out to the boys face. Tingles dance on his fingers when he touches the boys soft freckled cheeks, wiping the tears that are drying on his cheeks. For some reason, his chest tightens when he meets the boys eyes. He looks tired, and Changbin doesn't know if the boy is tired physically, or if he's tired of everything. All he can see and feel is the boy, and it feels like it’s just the two of them, nothing more, and nothing less.

The boys face slips from under his thumb and then he stands up, albeit a bit unsteadily. Changbin is sure the boy’s cheeks look cherry tinted, but the inviting thought slips from his mind when he notices the boy swinging the duffel bag over his back. Changbin stands up as the boy glances at him unsurely before looking towards the exit of the alley. 

"Wait! I don't know your name!" 

The boys eyes search his own. "Felix." He says, and Changbin can tell he isn't natively Korean from the way he pronounces his name. The boy– no, Felix, looks at him expectantly, and he realizes the latter is looking at him for a response.

"Mine’s Changbin." Felix nods, and then turns to walk towards the exit of the alley. 

Panicking, Changbin yells. "W-wait!" Felix stops in his tracks, looking back at him. "Will you be here tomorrow?" The boy nods a yes, and Changbin watches as he retreats out of the alley. 

Changbin leaves a few minutes after Felix, trying to process what happened. That day, when Changbin reaches his apartment, he can hear birds chirping over him. His classes start in three hours, but he blinks his sleep away again, and with a cup of coffee on his desk, he pulls out a pencil and the notebook that he writes lyrics in.

That day, Changbin writes about a young, young boy, who has more to him than just spray paint cans and tears stains on his face. 

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



_"A soulmate is a being with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity. Every being in this universe is gifted with a soulmate. This soulmate can be platonic, romantic, or sometimes, for rare cases, a being does not meet their soulmate at all. Every pair, or set of soulmates have a special way to connect to each other, be it through dreams, or by using ink on your body. The ways can wary."_

Changbin shuts his laptop down. 

_What a bunch of bullshit._ He thinks. In the current world, A lot of people give soulmates importance, from avoiding kissing someone, to laying in bed with someone, all because they want their soulmates to be their first kisses, and more sappy shit like that. The other half of the people don't care. They do what they want. They fall in love, sleep with people, and kiss whoever they want to. 

Changbin is one of them. After all, it is not necessary to fall in love with your soulmate, he won't let some connection that isn't in his hands limit him from doing what he wants to. Some people meet their soulmates, fall in love with them, and live happily ever after. Some people meet someone that isn't their soulmate and still fall in love. 

It doesn't matter in the end, and Changbin would love to ignore his soulmate if his soulmate wasn't so goddamn annoying. 

In a world where he lives, every person has a different connection with their soulmates. Some soulmates have the red string of fate. It's a red piece of string that the two soulmates have around their finger, like it's tying them together. Some soulmates have each other's names tattooed somewhere on their bodies.

See, these soulmates are easy to ignore, and for someone that doesn't really give too much importance to soulmates, Changbin does hate having a soulmate connection where he can hear the music his soulmate is listening to.

Up until last month, he didn't even know he had one, since all throughout his childhood he never heard any songs playing. 

Growing up, he had to see all his friends tell him about their soulmate connections, and truthfully, Changbin did, at one point, dislike his soulmate. He hated listening to his friends gush about their soulmates, feeling left out as he couldn't ever relate.

That wasn’t the case anymore though. He remembers the day vividly, it’s engraved in his mind like wet ink painted on a piece of paper. Somewhere about a month ago, Changbin monotonously started his day off like every other, and worked on his homework late in the night while listening to his playlist that had all his favorite songs. Then, a song started playing out of nowhere, overlapping with the one he was listening to. Confused, he remembers taking his earphones off, and still hearing the music play in his head. The realization settled into him like ice freezing. Slowly, slowly, he realized why he could still hear the music, and then came to even more conclusions as Red Velvet’s “Zimzalabim” played in the back of his head over and over again. 

The night still haunts him, and although he was angry at his soulmate at first, he doesn't feel his anger anymore. 

He's a reasonable person, so his anger was quickly relieved when he realized that his soulmate most likely has a reason for not listening to any music that would tell Changbin ‘Oh yes! I am your soulmate, and I do very much exist!’.

However he's reconsidering that, because all his soulmate is, is an annoying little bitch.

As someone that's excellent musically, Changbin loves listening to songs, and especially emo songs that sound pleasing to him. So, he's undoubtedly annoyed, when every time he listens to music, his soulmate does too, and it's always the same Red Velvet song.

The songs they're listening to overlap with each other messily, and it always gives him a massive headache.

Maybe he does regret having a soulmate after all. 

  
  


The singer's voice plays from the bluetooth speaker sitting beside him. 

_'I've become so numb, I can't feel you there. Become so tired, so much more aware. I'm becoming this, all I want to do, Is be more like me and be less like you.'_

One thing he enjoys about listening to music is the art of it. He doesn't know what the singer is saying, he's not fluent in english, but he feels the sentiment, he feels the words. The singer sings like he's in pain, he sings it like the words are poison to him. 

Then, he thinks of the little paragraph about soulmates that he just read. All he wanted to know was if there was a way for him to be able to listen to music alone, without hearing what his soulmate is listening to, but he found himself scrolling through the wikipedia's page with a frown settled on his face.

He glances at the speaker that's still playing the song, and then turns it off, not wanting to listen to Red Velvet again. Silence creeps into the room like steam, it spreads everywhere, and makes him feel suffocated.

Somehow, the day seems to go slower after that, when it's just him, and his laptop, with everyday objects scattered around him. No melodies, no tunes, just his balanced breathing in the soundless room.

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



True to his words, Changbin does find the boy at the alley the next night. It's exactly three in the morning when he leaves his house, and it takes him about fifteen minutes to reach the alley. The earlier night, he had been walking for hours, and only then stumbled upon the alley, but turns out he took an extra long path and that the alley was, in fact, pretty close to his own apartment. 

"You really came." Felix says, as Changbin slides down the same wall that he had been sitting against the previous night. He folds his legs, criss-crossing them. The ground feels cold against his clothed legs, but it isn't bothersome, so Changbin ignores it. 

"I promised to be there for you." Changbin replies smoothly, he doesn't need to think much for something that's true. Felix looks back at him, his lips pressed together tightly to make a smile, before turning around to the wall, shaking the can of blue paint in his hand.

Frankly, Changbin feels contrite. Last night, he might’ve thought he was doing the right thing by comforting a stranger, but was it really the correct thing to do? Maybe Felix had wished to be alone, maybe he didn’t want to be found. Maybe Changbin stole that from him. This Felix, is not the one he saw last night. No, This Felix, looks stronger, even if he might not be. This Felix, has honed thorns all around him, as if it’ll keep other people from caressing a pretty boy like him. It’s shown in his trenchant eyes, it’s shown in his stance, it’s shown all over him, but Changbin can feel them lower when Felix looks at him, his eyes turning vulnerable. He doesn’t know if that’s good or not.

“I didn’t think you’d keep the promise.” Felix admits, and then turns around to face him.

Changbin meets his eyes, “I kept it though, didn’t I?” He retorts, and Felix’s eyes soften, a little smile blooming on his face. Felix walks over to him, and sits beside him with his back on the wall, leaving a small gap between their bodies. 

The boy let’s out a sigh. “It’s hard to act like I’m okay. It’s hard to keep an act up.” Felix looks at him, “Can I trust you? You’ve seen me for what I truly am, just a broken boy.” 

"You aren't broken. You're strong for being able to put up a front. You're allowed to feel things." Changbin locks gazes with Felix, hoping that Felix will see how sincerely and cordially he means his words. It lasts for a heavy second, before Felix breaks their profound eye contact, setting his eyes on the wall in front of him. Changbin can't read his expression. 

The boy relaxes beside him. "Mama says I'm getting burdensome. says that I should get out of her sight." Felix sounds doleful. 

Changbin doesn't know how to reply, so he doesn't.

"Don't wanna lose her too." Felix admits. His heart clenches. "I'll be alone...all alone." It's dreadful. The way he says it is dreadful, and what makes it worse is the ‘too’ that follows. 

"You won't lose her." Changbin isn't sure what that means, but he doesn't want to see the boy sad. not at all. 

"I'm close to." Felix replies.

"You have me." Changbin means it. He really does. 

Felix turns his head towards him, "Really?" He whispers through the night.

"Really." Changbin confirms, and then places his hand over Felix's gently. In return, Felix places his head on Changbin's shoulder. He scrunches his nose momentarily when he feels Felix's hair tickle his jaw. 

They stay like that for who knows how long, and although Changbin doesn't drift off into sleep, he still feels high in a state of tranquil, not wanting to move because his limbs feel like jelly. He can hear Felix breathe softly beside him, and for a second, he's sure the boy has fallen asleep, until he hears Felix whisper something. 

"Thank you." He whispers, and Changbin would’ve probably missed his words if it weren’t for the fact that he found serenity in Felix’s soft breathing. He rests the side of his head on top of Felix's, as if acknowledging his words. It brings him happiness, and that’s what terrifies him too, because somewhere deep down, he knows he was fated to meet Felix. Somewhere deep down, he knows Felix isn’t like every other stranger that he’s met. However, he lets fate do its magic, and settles for coming to the alley every night, just to get to know Felix bit by bit, and piece by piece. 

And if he likes how Felix feels mellow and cozy beside him, that's a bonus.

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



"You look dead. What are you? Ryuzaki?" Jisung asks right after he walks into Changbin's apartment. 

"Fuck off with your anime shit." Changbin groans and tilts his head back, sinking down in his chair in a questionable posture. He does actually feel dead though, all due to the sleep he's missing. 

"Why haven't you been sleeping?" Chan asks, and Changbin doesn't even question how Chan seems to know everything. He's always been too good at reading everyone. His question makes Changbin think for a moment, because really, what is he supposed to say? 

That he hasn't been sleeping because he's been leaving his apartment at who knows in the morning to meet some random boy that he finds interesting?

"Don't question it." Changbin sighs, deciding that he will tell his friends about Felix later. He's too tired to do so. 

Jisung shrugs before settling down on the chair beside him, and Chan shoots him a worried glance that Changbin avoids uncouthly, before Chan finally drops the subject. 

"Go to sleep now. I'll give you the answers to the assignments. We have the same ones anyways." Chan tugs at his arm, motioning him to get up. Changbin doesn't. He feels like his limbs are jelly.

Chan makes a noise at the back of his throat. "C'mon, get up and move to your bed." He tugs at his arm again, and Changbin closes his eyes as if doing so will immediately drift him into sleep. 

There's a short-lived silence, and then Changbin feels both of Chans hands wrap around his arm. Then, Chan pulls, and Changbin swears he almost felt his arm yank off from his body. 

Damn Chan and his huge ass muscles. 

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



"Hey, why do you paint on the wall?" Changbin asks as Felix sprays blue paint on the wall. The wall still looks the same as it was the day he met Felix. The huge beige block of color still remains the same, looking dull and flat on the wall. Felix is rather focused on making weird lines of all shapes and sizes right about the block of color, like simple blue clouds over a bright beige colored volcano. 

"Why? Do you have a problem with me painting?" Felix spins around to look at him and asks, sounding defensive. Changbin realizes how his words might have sounded when he sees the look on Felix's face. 

"No- I'm just curious." He shakes his head “no” once, twice, to clarify. Felix hums in acknowledgement, and then turns back around. 

"It keeps my mind away." Felix discloses, standing on his tippy toes to reach a higher part of the wall where he can draw even more blue spots. “I don’t think about everything when I draw, and I like that. Feels like I can get away from everything for a few hours.” Changbin gets it. He really does. He might not be an artist, but music is the same for him. Something to keep him distracted for a while. It's funny how they have different interests, but in the end, they find comfort in the same way. 

“Am I distracting?” As if to prove a point, Felix halts, his hand hovering over the brick wall. 

"Yeah." He admits, and Changbin frowns with a pout on his face, clearly displeased at the answer. 

"Should I go then?" He asks, ready to leave if it makes Felix uncomfortable. Felix turns to him looking like he's pondering over the question, and for a second, Changbin worries that he will say yes.

Then Felix shakes his head, "No…" He utters, "Stay. I trust you now. You can't go." Changbin should be relieved, and that he is, but the way Felix says the words makes his stomach churn, it makes him taste the sinister world that Felix is trapped in. 

And Changbin decides that there's no way he's letting this boy be alone anymore. Never. 

"You're confusing." Changbin states, scrunches his nose. Felix chuckles, sounding like a genial angel that's descended from upon. He's left mesmerised.

"Enough about me, tell me something about yourself." Felix says.

Changbin doesn't know what to say. It's always been like this, hasn't it? He's so eager to learn about someone new, someone like Felix, but what is there to him? All he does is play music, and that's all. 

Changbin replies, "What about me?" 

Felix turns around, "Anything about you, Changbin. Tell me, how old are you?" He asks, and then runs his index finger over a smear of blue on the wall, quickly jerking it back when he realizes the paint is still wet.

"I'm seventeen." Changbin answers, and then watches Felix rub his index finger over his thigh, on his black sweatpant. His touch leaves a dull streak of blue on the black fabric, gradually getting fainter the longer Felix drags his finger until there’s no color left at all.

"I'm…” Felix halts, muttering something under his breath. “Sixteen." Felix answers falteringly although it sounds more like a question he’s asking himself. Changbin assumes he’s struggling with his Korean.

“You’re not from here, are you?” He asks as Felix swats the back of his palm over his thigh as if brushing away the paint. (He ends up smudging it up a little, and it even gets on the back of his hand, and all Changbin can think of is that, Felix is really, really messy.)

“I’m Korean, but I had lived in Australia since I was born. That explains my weird ass accent, doesn’t it? I'm still bad at Korean.” Felix explains with a smile on his face, moving to sit down next to Changbin like always. It seems like he enjoys talking about Australia, so Changbin asks him to do just that.

"Woah really? Tell me about Australia?" He suggests. 

Felix rests his head on Changbin's shoulder. No words about the action are uttered, because neither of them mind it. "Australia? Australia was… my home." The younger says, longingly. 

"Do you know, Changbin hyung?" Changbin raises an eyebrow at the honorific, but realizes Felix can't see his expression. "I lived near the beach. That's cool, isn't it?" Changbin hums in agreement, tapping his fingers on his thigh sporadically, a habit he always does when he's absent minded, or thinking. 

"During summers, Papa would take me to the beach with him. We'd make sandcastles, and play in the water. Then, he'd buy me ice cream from the ice cream truck that would come. Sometimes it'd be chocolate flavored, or sometimes I'd get what flavor he'd like. I knew Papa wasn't always alright, I could smell the alcohol on him, but he still took me outside, he still loved me, but you know what sucks? It's that I can't do that anymore." 

Changbin wonders what he means by that. "Why can't you do that anymore?" Changbin asks, even though he's aware that Felix might not be comfortable with telling him, but well, Felix can choose to avoid the question anytime. It's in his hands now. 

"My Papa isn't here anymore, and fuck, Korea isn't my home." Felix's voice gets louder, like he's letting out everything he's been holding in. He stops to take a deep prolonged breath. "I'm sorry, I just can't think straight anymore. I don't know what's wrong with me." He murmurs.

"You don't have to apologize." Changbin says. He feels Felix sigh beside him.

"I've been stuck here in this country for what, a year? I don't know anyone here. I can barely even communicate, and my dad, _oh god_ , my Papa. I can't even reach him." Felix whimpers, and Changbin can't even imagine what Felix is going through. All he can do is be there for him. 

"Hey, you have me now. I'm here. I'm here for you." Changbin blindly reaches out to hold Felix's hand. It's cold when he touches it, and he can only hope that his own hand will keep Felix's warm. 

"You're a nice person, Changbin-hyung. I don't want to taint you with my darkness." He admits, and Changbin feels shocked at how atrocious that sounds.

"You're not tainting me. I'm here because you deserve to see the light that I see, because you deserve nothing short of that." 

_I'm here, because I see your beauty._ Changbin thinks.

In response, Felix curls his fingers around Changbin's, as if holding on to him.

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



Changbin decides that he might as well just tell his friends about Felix. He knows Chan has probably noticed how he's been skipping sleep at night, and he knows he'll have to tell them about Felix one day. He hasn't really thought about how he'd break the news to them, and they're probably already here, so instead of wasting his time thinking of how he'll tell everyone, Changbin chooses to use that time to lay in bed and do nothing instead. 

"ICE CREAMMM!" Minho's loud voice rings through Changbin's apartment, informing his arrival. A disgruntled sound leaves Changbin's throat when he realizes Jisung and Minho will be together. 

It's not like he has anything against them, however–

"We're here, bitches!" Jisung yells, coming into his bedroom, hanging over Minho's back with his arms around his neck. 

Yeah. They're soulmates, which means Minho is most likely going to distract Jisung from whatever work he has to do. A distracted Jisung is a loud Jisung, and Changbin hates noise while he's busy. 

"Hush. Do your work." Chan seems to understand, immediately walking in and scolding Minho and Jisung for making a cacophony. His shoulders are slouched downwards, and even though his bangs fall over his eyes, Changbin can see the exhaustion they hold. 

"You're no fun." Jisung pouts as Minho ungracefully drops him on a chair. "Ack! That was my ass, you idio–"

"Those two are going to be the death of me. You don't know how hard it was to watch them pine for each other from far away." Chan sighs, sounding exasperated. He drops his backpack on the chair beside Jisung's, disregarding the couple arguing in the background. 

"Tell me about it. I didn't know Minho hyung was coming." Changbin says, scooting over to the side to make some place for Chan. He pats his hand over the spot, once, twice, until Chan gets the idea.

Chan replies, sitting down on the bed with a creak, "He wasn't going to. Jisung dragged him." 

"Of course he did–"

"Hey! Changbin-ah!" Minho calls out, and Changbin hums in response. 

"What?" Changbin asks, turning to lay on his side so he can get a clear view of Minho.

"Did you know Sungie can write songs in under ten minute?!" Minho exclaims. Wow. That's a new record. 

"Last time we checked, he could write songs in under like twenty minutes." Chan says, sounding just amused as Changbin himself feels. 

"How is Jisung good at everything?" Changbin wonders out loud, ignoring the sounds of Jisung disagreeing. "Like he must be bad at something. Maybe he's a bad kisser."

"No." Minho chimes in, "He's good at that, too." 

There's silence that lasts for a stifling second. Jisung flushes red, Changbin's mouth drops open, and then all hell break's loose when Chan yells.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY ABOUT MY BABY YOU CUNT?!?!?!" 

It's easy to say that Changbin completely forgets to tell them about Felix. Maybe another day. 

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



"What are we, Changbin hyung?" Felix questions. Changbin takes a moment to think, because he doesn't know how to answer. To him, when it comes to Felix, Changbin always let's Felix decide. He doesn't know why, but he let's things stay in Felix's hands. Maybe it's because he still feels guilty for approaching Felix on the day they met. Don't get him wrong, Changbin doesn't regret it, after all, Felix's presence makes him feel grounded, it feels like something he's never known of before. It lights a different kind of fire in him. But Changbin still let's Felix decide their fate, he let's Felix decide where whatever they have should go, because just as much as he wants to keep Felix with him forever, he can't do that, not when he feels guilty for approaching Felix that night when he probably wanted to be alone. 

So, Changbin answers, "We can be whatever you want us to be." 

Felix's lips part, and then he breathes out. "Friends? Can we be friends? I don't have any here."

Changbin feels a smile slip onto his face. Warmth spreads in the pit of his stomach like a wave crashing the shore, potent but serene at the same time. 

"Of course we can." He answers. Felix smiles at him. A genuine one. The warmth within him simmers down and settles to be slow and steady. 

"Tell me about your friends, hyung." 

"My friends?" Changbin cocks his head to the left, thinking. "Well, there's three of us. Jisung, Chan and I. There's not much to say, really. We've been friends since middle school. We met because we needed to do a music project, and we just…" Changbin's voice ebbs away as he thinks of the right word. "Clicked? I guess. They always come over to my apartment after their classes to do their work or just hang out, since I live the closest to the campus. They're a handful, really." Changbin smiles, having been beckoned back to all the memories he has with them. Felix looks at him impatiently, his bottom lip stuck between his teeth as he blinks cutely. 

"Jisung is well, really talented. And his humor is kind of crippled. Chan and I don't understand him most of the time, but he's the youngest out of us so we care for him alot. Also his soulmate is called Minho, and they're so chaotic together that it scares me." Felix smiles beside him. Changbin wonders if Felix can see the adoration he has for his friends. "Chan hyung is really cool. He's really responsible, and always takes care of us. He's really good at reading people too, all courtesy of him being a psychology major. Oh wait! He's Australian, just like you!" At that, Felix perks up, brightness falling over his face like a flare of sunlight. 

"Really? Does he speak English?" Felix asks, his eyes glistening with excitement. It reminds Changbin of something innocent, something pristine. 

"He does. He's the only english speaker among us." Changbin finds himself staring at Felix, like he's unable to look away. Like something divine is bounding him to be mesmerized by Felix. He doesn't dwell on it. He's afraid of what it implies. 

"Wow. Your friends are so cool." Changbin nods, he does feel grateful to have such nice friends. Although he'd never admit that to them– He doesn't fancy being a victim of their teasing. 

"Would you like to meet them one day?" He asks, knowing they'd be fond of Felix. Or at least, Chan would. Jisung would probably consider Felix his enemy before realizing that Felix is completely harmless. That's just how he is.

"Do you think they'd like me?" Felix pouts. 

"Of course they would. They don't have a reason not to." Changbin says, sounding a tad bit passive aggressive. 

"Are you sure? I'm just...me." Felix mumbles.

_That's the whole point. You're you._ Changbin thinks. 

"You can meet them when you feel ready then. I promise you, they're going to like you." – If they don't then I'll deck them, Changbin wants to say. He doesn't though. Felix doesn't need to know that. 

"I'd love that." 

Well then, that's settled. 

"Ah," Felix let's a noise of realization. "I just wanted to paint, and here I am, having a conversation with you."

"Well then, paint! No one's stopping you." Changbin scolds as a bubbly laugh escapes Felix's throat. 

"Okay, okay! I'll do that now." 

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



Truth be told, Changbin is someone that sticks to his daily routine. It's not something he's planned, he doesn't plan how his days go by, like when he should wake up, when he should fall asleep. Rather, he lets his days pass, until they settle into a routine that he feels comfortable with. 

Instead of planning his days, Changbin just goes with how they progress by, because he hates having expectations, and really, change is always occurring, who knows how quickly his day can take a turn. He doesn't see a point in planning for something that can easily be changed. 

So, when he has the urge to listen to music at five in the evening, he feels just a little sorry for his soulmate. He might not be someone that plans their days, but somehow, he only finds himself listening to music after nine in the night. Who knows, his soulmate might even be ready at nine everyday just so they can blast Red Velvet, so they probably wouldn't have expected Changbin to randomly start listening to songs at such a weird time in the day. 

_'Do you tear yourself apart to entertain like me? Do the people whisper 'bout you on the train like me? Saying that you shouldn't waste your pretty face like me?'_

The singer– Halsey, if Changbin remembers correctly, sings in the song. He gets the gist of what she's trying to convey, even through his broken, crippling knowledge of English. 

Usually, he'd be doing different things with his friends. Maybe he'd be engaging in some pointless argument with Jisung, or he'd be getting dance lessons that he didn't ask for by Minho. 

Today, he's listening to a song through his earphones as Jisung dozes off on his desk, a pencil in his hand and a sheet of paper placed in front of him. Beside him, Chan lays, scrolling through his phone mindlessly. Today is one of the lazier days. 

Sunlight seeps through his curtains, painting his white walls a shade of warm orange, all courtesy of his dark curtains. If Changbin pays enough attention, he can probably notice the tiny dust particles that seem to shine under the sunlight, lingering around his room trivially. 

He picks up a chocolate wrapper from the bunch scattered around him. It crunches in his hand, and he chucks it towards Jisung. He has poor aim, so it lands on the desk instead of Jisung, but the sound of it hitting the hard surface is enough to bring Jisung out of his short lived sleep. 

Jisung sits still for a second, probably trying to remember where he is before he picks up the paper in front of him. A minute passes, and Jisung still has his eyes on the paper. Changbin hopes that Jisung is doing his work. 

Then, Chan shuffles around, accidentally pushing his elbow into an empty wrapper. It makes a sound again. Chan ignores it, instead facing him. He pulls out Changbin's earphones and drops them on the bedsheet as Changbin whines in dissatisfaction. 

"Did you know there's soulmates that can switch their bodies whenever they want?" Chan asks, softly, because he doesn't want to distract Jisung. 

Changbin raises an eyebrow, "What will they get out of that?" 

Chan shrugs, "Who knows. But it's still interesting though." 

Changbin hums in agreement, it really is. The universe works in weird ways, but in a way he supposes the bond is helpful. He doesn't really understand how that would work, anyways. 

"How's your research thingy going?" Changbin asks. He knows Chan has this one assignment where he needs to research for rare soulmate bonds. Ah yes, Chan is studying to be someone that specializes in the soulmates phenomenon, so assignments like these are bound to come. Although Changbin's sure Chan doesn't even mind it.

"It's alright," Chan sighs, "So many new bonds are being discovered literally everyday, it makes me kinda sad how there's so many possibilities yet I was the one who was unlucky enough to not have a soulmate at all." Chan plays with his earphone, wrapping it's cord around his finger before unwrapping it. 

Chan doesn't have a soulmate. Even though it's never been proved factually, Chan always says he feels like a part of himself is missing. It can only mean that his soulmate is dead, or something near that. Changbin feels bad for him, of course he does. 

Changbin may not care much about soulmates, but Chan does, so it must've felt like poison to his heart when he realized that his soulmate might not very be alive. 

That's also the reason why Chan is studying about soulmates. Changbin knows that Chan is doing that in hopes of finding some bond that can apply to him. He doesn't comment on it though, as long as Chan's pleased with it. 

"You've come so far, what's a small assignment gonna do?" Changbin reasons, because he doesn't want to see his friend complain about something that he willingly chose to do. 

"I guess you're right." Chan stops, a yawn escaping his lips. "Sorry." He says, covering his mouth with his palm. "I'm sleepy. I'm gonna take a nap." 

Changbin nods, "You do that. I don't feel like sleeping so I'll just lay here, I guess." Changbin says, and Chan hums before he turns and lays on his stomach. A weird position. 

When he puts them on, they're silent, he hears nothing. Changbin unlocks his phone, playing the song again– Gasoline, it's called. This time he puts it on repeat.

He might be a little obsessed with that song. 

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



"What are you making?" Changbin asks as Felix sprays color on the wall. This time, it's a desaturated shade of pink, and Felix paints it on the wall just like how he painted the blue color: In small, unevenly placed splatters of paint. 

"I don't know. I'm just following whatever I see in my mind." Felix admits, "I just know it'll look alright when i'm done." 

Changbins impressed, it's not everyday that he sees something that has talent basically radiating out of them. "Do the colors mean anything?" Changbin asks, because he knows colors can represent a lot of things. 

"Yeah. The blue is for… my Papa. He was always so calm, and gave the best advice. So to me, he's blue." Felix points to a blue spot, running his fingers over it delicately. 

Changbin isn't sure what to think of Felix's dad.

"And what about the pink?" Changbin asks instead, because it isn't his place to ask about his dad. 

"The pink?" Felix looks at the spray paint in his hand. "It's for my Mama. She was so kind, and sweet. So I chose pink for her." 

"Why such a dull shade though?"

Felix shrugs, "She isn't the same anymore. She doesn't treat me the same. I can't even recognize her sometimes." He confesses, his voice barely over a whisper. Changbin wonders if it's his first time admitting that. 

"Will you add more colors, then?"

"I'm afraid adding more colors will ruin the piece." He says, and he sounds like every other artist that Changbin has ever met, but at the same time, Felix is so, so different. He's using colors to give meaning to his art. He's putting a part of his life in his art. 

"I think anything you make would be amazing." Changbin admires Felix. He really does. 

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



"Aren't you going to paint today?" Changbin asks, nudging his shoulder with Felix's. 

"I'm done with the pink and blue." He says, using his finger to point over the spots on the wall. "I don't have anyone else to add." 

Changbin frowns. "No one?"

Felix hums in response. Changbin's run over the wall, and then he finally acknowledges the beige spot on the lower half of the wall, looking the same as it first did. 

He points to the block of color, "What about this weird volcano looking thing?"

Felix looks at it, before scrunching his nose like a mouse. A cute little mouse. 

"Too much work and 'm too lazy." Felix admits. Then, Felix turns to him hastily, as if something just sparked in his mind. "Hyung. Why don't you ever ask me questions. Like about my family, and everything else. You only listen." 

Is that a bad thing? Changbin feels perplexed. "I just don't want to cross boundaries. You can tell me that stuff when you feel comfortable enough with me." He explains, and watches as Felix's mouth falls open. 

"You're so sweet that it's actually baffling." 

Changbin holds back a smile. 

"Well then," Felix sits back again with his body resting on the wall. "Do you want to know why I was crying the day we met? I'm going to tell you anyways. Do you ever have that moment where you have the energy to do something, or you feel the motivation to do something you like but then it just… disappears? Like it's there one second, and then suddenly it's gone, and you're left thinking about what went wrong." Changbin does, but he thinks he can't relate to it as much as Felix can. "It's so draining. I hate when that happens. That night, my Mama and I got into a fight, so I left the house to paint since it helps me forget everything. But the second I started painting, I lost any energy I had. I hate it so much. Then I couldn't stop thinking about my Mama and I cried, after who knows how long." 

Hell, Changbin isn't good at comforting people, so he doesn't know what he should say. 

"Let me tell you, being emotionally numb sucks. I can go months without feeling anything, and then everything comes crashing down. I have a depressive episode where I feel like absolute shit, and then the cycle repeats." Felix sounds so bitter, his words sound void of emotions, and Changbin thinks he sees a pattern.

Felix can go from having eyes that seem to glimmer under the moonlight, to diminishing the shine they hold, sounding so hollow that Changbin feels solicitous. 

Mood swings. Changbin assumes. Really, really rapid ones. 

"Oh! Talking about depressive episodes, I got a refilled bottle of my antidepressants." Felix says, pulling his duffel bag over to him. 

_Antidepressants?_ He wonders. Felix pulls out a white bottle from the bag, and shakes it in his hand as it makes some weird noise, probably from the capsules inside of it.

"Fluoxetine." Felix reads. "Each capsule contains forty milligrams of Fluoxetine."

Changbin's sure forty milligrams is a lot, but he doesn't comment on it. He has some knowledge of antidepressants, since Jisung used to take them for a while. From what he knows, a young teen should only have about ten or twenty milligrams of SSRIs. His mouth feels dry, because the last thing he had expected from Felix was for him to be harboring some sort of mental illness.

Felix opens the bottle easily, doing so like something he's memorised. The thought makes his chest tighten. 

Felix tips the bottle over his open palm, and a small amount of half-blue and half-white colored capsules fall out. 

"Wanna know a secret?" Felix asks, meeting his gaze. 

Changbin eyes the capsules in his hand before nodding hesitantly. 

"I don't actually take these. Well, I do but, it's sometimes. There are days where I feel like they don't work at all." Felix admits sheepishly as Changbin remains frozen, trying to process what he's just been told. 

That would explain why Felix has a lot of mood swings, but why doesn't Felix take them? and he has such a high dosage too? He feels so concerned, he wants to help Felix but he's lost. He's really lost. 

Felix's mood drops at the silence. "Say something, please." Felix sounds desperate, and Changbin hates himself for making the boy feel like that. 

"I'm sorry I just…" Changbin drifts off. What is he supposed to say? That he feels really bad for Felix and just wants to see him feel better? That he doesn't understand how to help Felix? 

Instead, Changbin opts for telling Felix through actions instead. He holds his hands up and reaches them out towards Felix, as if inviting him in for a hug.

Felix stares at him for a short second, as if contemplating before he puts the pills from his palm back in the bottle. He sets it down on the ground before collapsing into Changbin's arms. 

Changbin wraps his arms around Felix's waist as the latter rests his cheek on Changbin's chest. Felix sighs out through his nose, relaxing his body as he clenches Changbins jacket between his fingers to ground himself. 

Felix feels warm, and smells like the touch of every house: cordial and secure. 

Changbin wonders if Felix can feel the way his heart beats, stably treading like waves in the blue sea, contrasting the storm that's brewing in his mind. 

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



Hours later, after Changbin reaches his house, he sits at his desk with tired, droopy eyes. 

In front of him is a blog open with an obnoxiously painful white background. 

' _How to help and be there for someone who suffers from mental illness.'_ reads the title of the blog, and Changbin is determined to read it thoroughly. 

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



"About yesterday, I'm sorry for not giving you a proper reaction. I was shocked, and I guess I was just trying to process everything, so I'm gonna tell you what I should've said yesterday." Changbin tugs at Felix's jacket to get his attention. Felix stops ruffling through his duffel bag, looking up at him with expectancy, before nodding impatiently. Felix seems to be in a good mood today. 

"If you're having a hard time or if you want to talk about anything, I'm here for you. I want to be here for you. I don't know what you're going through, but know that you have me, alright?" Changbin says. The words flow out of him smoothly, courtesy of how he's been preparing to say this since the day before. 

Felix stares at him with illegible eyes. A chill speck of wind flies past them. Changbin holds his breath, gazing back into Felix's eyes with intensity. He wishes Felix could see that he's being sincere. 

A second passes and then Felix whispers, "Red." He says, the word leaving his mouth like it's a realization. Like it's the answer that Felix has been looking for all along. And Changbin? he doesn't even know what it means. 

Felix breaks their eye contact and looks back down to search for something in his bag. 

"Red?" Changbin asks. 

Felix pulls out a silver can from his bag. It has dried red streaks of paint near the lid. 

"You're red, Changbin hyung." Felix says, shaking the can in his hand. 

Changbin ponders over it. 

Red, which is associated with the feeling of love. Like the red rose's that symbolize eternal love and fervor. Like the red strings of fate that tie two souls for eternity. 

Red, which is associated with strength and the will to survive. Like the thin line you see in a heart monitor. It moves meanderingly, creating a depiction of the lifeline of an individual. Small, but just it's disappearance can ruin so many people's lives. 

And red, which Felix paints on the wall, next to the splatters of blue, and pink.

And hell, Changbin wants to cry at the sweet gesture. 

"Somehow, I feel closer to you than I feel closer to my family." Felix admits. "My Mama has been so distant." 

Changbin, for once, tries to pry. Just for a change. "And your dad?" He doesn't say Papa, so he says dad, because when Felix says it, it sounds so personal, it makes him feel like saying it would be disrespectful.

"My Papa is…" Felix looks at him, his eyes silently pleading. 

"You don't need to tell me if you're uncomfortable." Changbin tries to comfort him, but Felix shakes his head before taking a deep inhale. 

"He's in a coma." 

Changbin sucks in a keen breath. Felix avoids his eye. 

"When we moved to Korea, my Papa got even more stressed. He started drinking more, but my Mama and I never knew where he went to drink. My papa hated exposing us to his bad habits. One night, he just never came home. I didn't think much of it. He had pulled that shit before. But then at like five in the morning my Mama woke me up, saying we needed to go. I didn't know where, I didn't know what was happening. All I could process was that my Mama was crying, and that my Papa still hadn't gotten home. She pushed me into the car, and drove recklessly. She had taken me to a hospital." Felix pauses, turning silent. When Changbin tries to look into his eyes, Changbin sees nothing. Like Felix is secluded from him, engulfed into his mind and isolated from the touch of reality.

"My Papa… he had overdosed on alcohol. Because of that, he got alcohol poisoning and eventually slipped into a coma." 

Grief-stricken, Changbin wraps his fingers around Felix's hand. They tremble under his touch, and he says nothing as he pulls Felix towards him. 

His head feels like it can explain any second. There are so many thoughts that are lingering around in his head. He's hurting for Felix and everything he had to go through. He's hurting for everything he's been told. 

Felix trembles in his embrace, but no tears pool in his eyes. He's suffering from inside. 

"Hey," Changbin rests his palm on Felix's cold cheek, holding the boy's face in front of his. Felix gazes at him distantly. "Listen to me, Lix. You're okay. You're gonna be okay." 

"I miss him." Felix states, words barely ridden with any emotion. His eyes look unfocused, As if Felix has just shut down. It scares Changbin, seeing Felix like this. 

He's no expert when it comes to situations like this, all he knows is that Felix isn't exactly responsive, and that talking about what happened to his dad has triggered it. Changbin sadly has no clue on grounding techniques, but the least he can do is try. 

He places Felix's hand right over his chest, pressing it above his heart. "Tell me, what do you feel?" Changbin asks. 

Felix's fingers clench on his shirt. 

"Lix, baby, please. What do you feel?" Changbin asks again, more softly. 

Felix sniffles. "Your heartbeat." 

"I want you to focus on it, okay? Don't think about anything else." 

Felix nods, and Changbin watches as Felix's eyes turn less hazy. 

"What do you feel on your fingers?" 

Felix blinked at him, before holding his shirt harder. "Cloth?" 

"Mhm." Changbin hums. He takes Felix's hand and interlocks it with his own. "Now, what do you feel?"

Felix stays silent for a second. "You. Your skin." He holds his hand tighter.

"Is it cold?" Changbin asks, trying to get Felix to focus on what he can see and touch to hopefully ground him.

"Yes." Felix admits, nodding his head.

"Are you back?" Changbin asks, knowing very well that Felix knows what he's talking about.

A look of realization falls over Felix's face. It builds and builds, until Felix thinks about what triggered him.

"I-I'm sorry." Felix whispers.

"Don't be." At his words, Felix falls into his arms, and cries. Hard. Changbin thinks he might be crying as well. 

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



Two weeks pass by just like that. They blur into each other, smudges of orange from his bedroom, of black from the skies during the winter nights, of white from the empty unfruitful lyric sheets that he stares at for hours, and the brown from the cups of coffees that he drinks everyday. 

Somehow his sleep schedule becomes the opposite of what it was. He sleeps in the day, stays up in the night and barely bats away his sleep at dawn. Huh, a weird combination. 

What remains a constant is Felix, and his spray paint bottles. He goes to the alley every night, completely messing up his fixed sleep schedule. And no, it's not okay, but does Changbin care? No. No he doesn't. Not when he gets to spend time with Felix.

He always leaves the apartment somewhere near two in the night, sometimes he's late, sometimes he isn't, and somehow, Felix is always there when Changbin reaches the alley. 

In the course of two weeks, he learnt a lot about Felix. 

He learnt that Felix lives somewhere near the alley, and in return he tells Felix that he lives a few fifteen minutes away from it. Turns out, Felix really wants to dye his hair, and they spend one night arguing over which color would look the best. (In the end, they come to a conclusion that Felix would rock anything, and that he'd look extremely bewitching with his hair dyed in a shade of pastel pink.)

He learnt that Felix started painting because that was really his only hobby growing up. Nothing too deep, just Felix enjoying the scent of fresh acrylics and the feeling of the rough wooden brush sitting between his fingers, giving him the liberty to create whatever he wants, whenever he wants. 

Felix also loves baking, which comes off as a shock to Changbin. Felix tells him that baking is another distraction for him, and plus, who doesn't love freshly baked sweets? Changbin also gets Felix to promise that he'd give Changbin a few of his treats if he were to bake something again. Felix tells him his hobby for baking in the span of two days; He has started to work more on his graffiti art, which makes their conversations dwindle down to a serene silence. Changbin doesn't mind it per say, it's not like he needs to be talking to Felix at all times. His presence is enough. 

There are also some things he learnt, that weren't exactly verbally said from Felix, but rather, he notices them when he looks at Felix too long, or when he thinks about the way Felix behaves. 

There are some days, where Felix is extremely out of it, and some days where he has energy buzzing through his veins. Some days, Felix barely responds to him, he trudges near the wall unprovoked with his shoulders sagging downwards, before giving up the paint can in his hands and just sinking down to the ground with his back against the wall. On these days, Changbin decides to sit with Felix, choosing to stay silent rather than to be speaking a thousand words that Felix can’t find himself to process. Nonetheless, there are some days, where Felix greets him with a smile on his face, and tells Changbin something about himself while his hands frolic over wet paint. On these days, Changbin engages himself into a conversation with Felix, although he's always left a little more weary once he gets home.

(And yes, he also notices how Felix scrunches his nose while laughing, his head shaking as giggles escape from his mouth. It's an adorable sight, Changbin finds himself smiling every time that happens.)

However, obviously every day is not all sunshines and rainbows. Some days, Felix says some quite perturbing things, like talking about how he's been missing appointments with his therapist because he thinks they aren’t helping him at all, and when he tells Changbin about what happens at home. Felix's mom neglects him to the point where Felix feels that he isn't worthy of anything, and it breaks Changbin's heart to even hear that, because that is absolutely fucking ridiculous. 

Every day with Felix isn't eventful, but it's pleasant and makes him feel at peace. It's not all firecrackers and parties, but being with Felix is like coming home to someone you love dearly, it's like the strength that keeps him going, it's like watching the waves dance in the sea; just calm, serene, and nothing too momentous.

Sadly his friends don't understand that, because everytime they come over, Changbin is dozing off, catching up with his sleep. He gets a long scolding from Chan about how he should sleep more, and then a loud kiss on the cheek by Jisung followed by him saying something about the eternal love Jisung has for him. 

Well, it's his fault really. He should've told his friends about Felix, but now he can't, because if they start asking personal questions about Felix, Changbin wouldn't be able to answer, it isn't his place to do that. (And they'll want to meet Felix, of course, but why would Changbin give up his secret spot to his friends just like that?)

On the other hand, The painting on the wall starts to look a little better too. Felix finally started working on the weird beige blob, leaving the splotches of colors alone. Changbin notices how Felix has been coloring over the beige spot with a darker beige shade, as if shading and defining whatever it is that he's trying to draw. Actually, it's starting to look like a hand. The shading accurately defines fingers, like fingers that are reaching out. When Changbin looks at it from his perspective, it looks like the image you'd see when you're reaching up for something with your hands. He can only wait for it to be finished. 

As the two weeks pass, Changbin grows more fond of Felix, and strays away from his best friends. 

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



_'Yeah baby you saved me_

_But nothing could save him_

_From the ambulance that day_

_When he went away_

_The heart attack was sharp_

_He didn't feel no pain.'_

It's somewhere around ten in the night, and Changbin feels weariness drape over him like a blanket, almost beckoning him to drift into sleep. Somehow, even the music playing from his headphones doesn't keep him up, it only brings him sorrowful emotions. 

Since Changbin skips sleep at night to go visit Felix, now he sleeps after his classes; He comes home and sits through his classes and falls asleep at three in the afternoon after they end and he wakes up six hours later when the clock hits nine. And then begins a cycle of him doing the rest of his work, like homework, or just a piece of music he's working on. 

_'If you saw him now then_

_What would you say?_

_I love you and I miss you._

_I owe you everything_

_And I hope you know you saved me.'_

He spins the pencil in his hand, fidgeting with it because he feels bored and has no interest in doing his homework. The words seem to float on the paper, becoming a blurry mess until Changbin can't make out any words printed on it. All he sees is a black and white mess, accompanied by the yellow block of his pencil. 

The song keeps playing through his earphones, and Changbin focuses his attention on that instead, because frankly, looking at that paper is starting to give him a headache. It's called '19 Seventy Sumthin' by Neck Deep, and he remembers adding it to his playlist after it played on shuffle. 

_'Oh mother, mother please don't cry_

_Cause you know I miss him too.'_

The song is grey. It's gloomy. It's sad. 

_'He lives on in all of us and I will hold you when you cry,_

_because that's what he would have done._

_Yeah, that's what he would have done.'_

Changbin wonders if the reason his soulmate listens to Red velvet when Changbin listens to his playlist is because his soulmate doesn't like the songs that he does, or if the songs are too depressing for his soulmates bright, girl-crush taste. 

_"It's been hard, oh it's been hard_

_But he's a part of all of us_

_And we will hold you when you cry_

_Because that's what family does."_

The singer sings the last line. The song ends. Changbin tries to relish in the emotions that the song portrays. 

Then, the familiar intro of "Zimzalabim." starts playing in his head. Changbin throws his head back, and groans.

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



"You know… I don't like my soulmate. At all." Felix says. 

Changbin looks over to him. "Your soulmate? Why?" He hasn't really thought about Felix's soulmate bond, and to an extent, it is scary for him. Talking about soulmates with Felix is like entering uncharted territory. He doesn't know if Felix is as clueless as he is, or if Felix knows the territory by heart. He doesn't know if Felix has met his soulmate, he doesn't know what bond he has, he doesn't know anything. 

"My soulmate always listens to sad songs, and they're all in English. Just listening to them makes me want to cry." 

Changbin stills in incredulity. "W-what kind of songs?" he asks, because this is way too big of a coincidence. Everything starts adding up, in small hints that Changbin never noticed. They come together like something hidden right before his eyes. The coincidence of him meeting Felix, the urge to keep coming back, and the sparks that dangle over his body when he touches Felix. 

"Like, I don't know, Halsey? and Neck Deep, I guess."

And Changbin would know. He's the one that listens to them after all. 

"Oh, what do you do when that happens?" Changbin's testing the waters, because there can only be one answer that will tell him if Felix is really his soulmate or not. 

"Well," Felix sighs, "I start listening to some other song, like some red velvet song, because I know the songs will overlap. It works, because my soulmate stops listening to music."

And oh. The realization sinks into him, slowly seeping through his mind.

Changbin has met his soulmate. Changbin has found his soulmate. Changbin's soulmate is Felix. The same Felix that he's so fond of. The same Felix that he can't help but come back to. 

Felix glances at him, "I know, it's ridiculous, you don't have to look at me like that." 

"I didn't say that, it's just that…" Changbin says, but trails off. Does he really want Felix to know that they're soulmates? Will that change anything between them? Should he?

"Nothing, I'm just surprised, that's all." He decides not to. He needs to think about it, and it's not like he's running out of time. 

"What about your soulmate, hyung?" Felix looks up at him, stars glimmering in his eyes. 

"I don't know. I think he is kind, and warm-hearted. I think he is very bright, like sunshine." _I think he is you._

"How do you know it's a he?" 

Changbin looks at Felix fondly, "I just have a feeling." 

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



Changbin drops the stack of books on his bed brutally, heaving a sigh as the hard cover books clatter against each other before toppling onto his bed messily. 

He arches his back backwards, feeling pain strike him in his lower back as Jisung groans, laid on his bed. 

"A book hit my leg!" Jisung whines, folding his leg to caress his feet. Changbin scrunched his nose in annoyance, causing buoyant laughter to erupt from Chan, who lies beside Jisung with his legs draped over the younger’s like a koala. 

"Well then get off my bed! I'm busy!" He whines back, voice raising in pitch. Changbin walks back to his bookshelf, taking another stack of books in his arms from the shelf on the top.

"No! You're interrupting our cuddling session, which you could've been a part of, if you weren't so busy." Jisung mocks, and Changbin walks near his face and tilts the stack of books towards him, as if threatening to drop them on his face. Jisung yelps, hiding his face into Chan's chest as Chan remains unbothered, choosing to stare at the ceiling instead.

"This is my house, bitch." Changbin says, adding emphasis on 'my'. "And it's not like I can help this! I don't have any other space except for these bookshelves to store the plants that my mom sent me!" 

"How did she even send plants?" Chan wonders out loud as Changbin drops another pile of books over the previous one. 

"I don't know, she said she called some shop here and had them deliver these plants to my house." He explains, walking over to pick a business card that had arrived with the pots of plants from his desk. 

"That's kinda sweet actually." Chan says as Jisung let's out a loud snore.

"Yeah. It is." Changbin smiles. "He's asleep already?" He asks, glancing from Chan's gaze to Jisung's body.

"Yup. Apparently him and Minho stayed up till like four in the morning playing among us." 

"Disappointed but not surprised." Changbin shakes his head, but he cannot help the smile that blooms on his face at Jisung and Minho's antics.

"Although I'm sure they weren't just playing a game till four in the morning if you know what I mean."

Changbin bursts into a giggle. "Wild as fuck." 

"I can't even say much, because I stay up till who knows in the morning." Chan says, and Changbin is about to reply when Chan interrupts him, "And I know you do too." 

Changbin opens his mouth to argue with the statement, but realizes that Chan is, in fact, right. He shuts his mouth, confirming that what Chan said was right, which earns a pleasing grin from Chan. 

"I know you Binnie, I can tell your schedule is thrown completely off track. I won't ask why, because you would've told me if you wanted to." Chan says, so sincerely that Changbin considers telling him. 

He knows Chan won't even judge him, but he's still nervous, because he doesn't want Chan to be lonely. 

Before, it was Jisung who was the odd one out. He had found his soulmate, unlike Chan and Changbin. 

Now, Chan's replaced to be the odd one out. Chan is the only one who hasn't found his soulmate– or doesn't have one, unlike him and Jisung. 

He doesn't want to ruin that for Chan. The comfort in knowing that he's not the only one who doesn't know his own soulmate. 

But he hates lying to Chan too, because Changbin knows that it inevitably hurts Chan too.

Ever since the start of their friendship, Changbin and Chan were more close because they could bond over the fact that they never had a soulmate. (which turned out to be false on Changbin's part, but that wasn't until now.) It wasn't even like Jisung didn't fit in, because he did, but Changbin was the one who had walked in and dragged Chan to bed when the older boy would stay up till dawn researching about soulmates and why he didn't have one. It was Changbin who Chan had sat in classes with Chan, even when he would have horrible days. (that was more so by chance, since Jisung was a year younger than them, causing him to be in different classes than them, but it still made Chan and Changbin closer, even if it wasn't intentional.) 

Changbin sighs, before thinking that he should tell Chan. The latter has been there for him so many times, the least he could do is tell him the truth. 

"I met my soulmate." Changbin whispers, biting his bottom lip out of tension, looking at the wooden floor to avoid Chan's eyes. 

A minute passes, or maybe it was just a few seconds, but it feels so prolonged, and still, no sound is uttered. There's a suffocating silence. 

When Changbin dares to look up, he isn't greeted with anything terrifying, like Chan looking at him with betrayal or disappointment on his face, instead, it's just the sight of Chan, with his eyes closed, his chest moving up and down serenely. 

_Huh. He fell asleep too?_ Changbin pouts. _Well that's embarrassing on my part_. 

He shrugs, going back to what he was originally doing. The top of the bookshelf is almost empty, just about three books resting on it. Changbin picks them up and folds them under his arm, dusting the white surface of the shelves with his hand. When he lifts his hand up, it's stained with grey dust particles that stick to his hand annoyingly. Frowning, he rubs his hand on his sweatpants, walking back to his desk. He decides to keep the books there, than to put them on the pile of books on his bed. 

The silence is deafening, and Changbin doesn't like that. Instinctively he reaches out to grab his phone, which has earphones plugged in. He doesn't think as he opens Spotify, but halts right before he clicks on shuffle. 

He doesn't want to listen to music if it bothers his soulmate. It's okay, he understands it now. He really does.

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



Felix is crying the next time Changbin meets him. 

He has his face hidden by his hands, but Changbin doesn't even need to take a guess to know that he's crying. It's evident in the way sobs wreck through his body, in the way he sits with his back against the wall, rocking back and forth. 

Changbin tries to pry Felix's hands away from his face, and to his surprise, Felix let's him. His hands fall from his face and lands on the sides of his petite body limply when Changbin tries to pull them, and Felix stares at him with a broken gaze, his eyes droopy like any spark of energy that he had, has dwindled away. It reminds Changbin of the night they met; a bittersweet memory. 

"Oh baby…" Changbin whispers to himself as Felix caves into his arms, resting his forehead on Changbins shoulder. He's quick to wrap his arms around Felix's waist, holding him snugly.

He feels a sob thrash through Felix's body. "My mama hates me. She hates me. And I love her." Felix cries. Changbin feels something twist in his heart. 

"What happened? do you want to talk about it?" Changbin asks, trying to pull back to look at Felix's face but failing because Felix has no intention to let go.

"I asked her if she wanted to go to see P-papa with me, because she had been working all day, but then she started yelling at me and s-saying that I was the reason Papa started drinking," Felix, pauses, hyperventilating. Changbin runs his palm up and down Felix's arm in an attempt to soothe him. "And that she h-hated me because I was the one who put Papa in a c-coma." 

Changbin frowns, feeling a direful and galled feeling stir inside of him, but he deems it to be feckless, knowing he can't do anything about it other than to comfort Felix and hopefully change his mind.

"Don't believe her. It's not true." Changbin says, because he knows Felix believes anyone that he loves and trusts– including his mom. He can only hope that Felix will trust his words. "You're not the reason he's in the hospital. Please, don't let her get to you. You're more than that, okay? You're not a horrible person, you couldn't stop your dad, and that's okay. You were so young Felix, don't believe your mom is she says shit like that." Changbin says, taking a prolonged breath when he's done. Felix scoffs in his chest.

"How do you know that? I'm a bad person, Changbin hyung. I don't deserve your kindness." Felix shakes his head, and Changbin doesn't know who Felix is trying to convince. 

"I know that because in just a few weeks, I've seen the type of person you are, and let me tell you, you're not a bad one." Changbin cups Felix's cheeks with both of his hands, pulling him back till there's a small distance between their faces. When Felix stutters on an inhale of breath, Changbin feels it brush on his face. He can see every little detail about Felix from so up close; He can see how Felix's nose has turned a cerise shade. He can see the tears that glisten on his eyes, shifting around like stars, however they don't bring him the same happiness that he gets when he looks at the stars in the night sky. 

"Everyone hates me." Felix's bottom lip trembles.

"That's not true, Lix. I don't hate you, and I'm sure there are others who don't too."

Felix shakes his head from left to right, disagreeing as his face crumbles. Felix sobs, before inching closer until his nose nudges Changbins. 

As a gasp tumbles past Changbins lips, he glances up, only to see Felix gazing at him with quivering eyes. 

"Please, hyung." He begs, lips brushing against his own in a way that makes Changbins breath falter momentarily, and only then does Changbin understand. 

"I'm not going to kiss you, baby. I can't take advantage of you like that." Changbin whispers back. 

Desperate, Felix takes matters in his own hands and leans in, but Changbin is quicker. Before Changbin can even relish in the feeling of Felix's lips against his, Changbin places his hands on Felix's shoulder, holding him back. 

The look Felix gives him in return is most possibly the most heart wrenching thing he's ever seen.

Changbin cups Felix's face, ignoring the dampness of Felix's tears on his hands. "You make me happy, Felix. I know that, and I'm telling it to you because I know you're not a bad person. I know it isn't your fault, because I know that your dad loved you, and he definitely wouldn't want you believing in such an atrocious thing like that. You're an amazing person, and you don't deserve your Mom’s rude ass words. You deserve to be loved, but I can't kiss you. Not when you're so vulnerable. You don't want to kiss me Lix, you're not stable right now." 

"I do want to kiss you." He argues.

"You want to feel loved." Changbin corrects and it hurts him to even say that, despite how true it is. "And I'm right here, Angel, but I can't take advantage of you like that, no matter how much you say you want it. Let me there for you, but not like that. I'm sorry that this is the most I can offer." Changbin strokes Felix's cheek with his thumb, wiping away any drying tears that remain.

Felix gazes at him with despairing eyes, before he lifts his palm up and rests it over Changbin's hand that's still on his cheek. His touch is gentle and warm regardless of how it quivers. Felix gives him a tight smile, which is really just his lips tugging upwards for a second, before dropping down again. It's heartbreaking how Felix tires to look strong with tears tainting his pretty little face. Changbin can't read the emotions behind his eyes, and he hopes that it's because of the heavy layer of tears that builds in them like an unshed dam. As one tear streaks down Felix's cheeks, his head sinks, falling onto Changbin's shoulder again.

Felix cries like that, but what scares Changbin is how he never gets an affirmative response. It's almost like Felix believes his mom instead of him. 

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



Changbin thinks Felix has fallen asleep in his arms by the time his tears stop flowing out of his eyes. Then, Changbin is proved wrong when he tries to pull Felix's face back, Only to be greeted with overcast, puffy eyes that seem to be lost of any glimmer. Felix looks at him vacantly before he dives in to hug him again. Changbin let's him, because that's the only reaction he's getting out of Felix, and Changbin doesn't even know what to do. 

"I'm really sorry, Lixie. I just want you to see how much you are worth, and how much you deserve in this world." Changbin murmurs into Felix's neck, lips barely brushing the skin there. 

Felix hums. "Me too, hyung." He says, voice laced with something bitter. Changbin gets it. Oh how he wants to change it to reality. To make it become the eternal truth that both him and Felix long for. 

(And Changbin watches with a hardened expression as Felix colors over the pink on the wall with an insipid grey right before they walk out of the alley, leaving no evidence of the previous color as if it was never there in the first place.)

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



Something changes after that night– or well, Changbin thinks it does. Felix doesn't talk much anymore, he just stays silent, and paints away. Changbin doesn't know if it's because what Felix's mom said to him has affected him, or if he's just having one of those days again, where he feels extremely down and turns silent. It’s hard to tell, because Felix might just be in a better mood tomorrow. Their almost kiss has been stuck in Changbins mind for so long, but he makes sure to push the memory in the back of his mind, not wanting to remember it for the sake of himself and his feelings.

“You never tell me about your parents. Are they like mine?” Felix asks, 

The silence between them is broken by an unexpected question, but Changbin appreciates it, he didn’t want the night to be passed away like it was nothing, left blank and unutilized to its fullest.

“My parents are… well I’m not going to say something like, my role model or anything, but they’re great parents. Growing up, I didn’t really see them around because they were working, and I was a lot closer to my mom because my dad spent a lot of the time out of the country. Still, I love them a lot. They’ve done a lot for me.” Changbin states, short and sweet, because he’s never been exceedingly close with his parents. He still appreciates them though. 

“You're lucky. I wish I had a family like yours." Felix says, and Changbin smiles, because he doesn't know how to reply to that. Is he supposed to agree with Felix? but wouldn't that be rude, considering Felix still loves his family dearly? And plus, it's not like Changbin enjoyed growing up with barely ever seeing his father. 

When Felix realizes that Changbin has no intention to reply, he goes back to painting. 

Night passes by like that, with silence encasing around them.

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



Frankly, Changbin was bound to snap eventually.

His day went absolutely fucking horrible. Not only did he realize he missed about ten assignments of his that were all due a day or so before, but turns out Chan found out, and scolded him for a good hour while Jisung sat in the corner and silently worked on his own assignments. 

Thing is, Chan has always been a parental figure, and he's born to be a leader. It's in his nature to care for everyone, it's in his nature to look out for everyone and it's in his nature to think that anything that goes wrong is somehow his fault, because he didn't try hard enough to make things right. So, when Changbin ends up almost failing a subject because he forgot to submit any graded assignments for it, Chan gives him a long, drawn out lecture. And Changbin lets him. He knows he's at fault for not doing the assignments in time, Chan knows that too, but Changbin lets himself get scolded if it will make Chan feel better. 

Chan talks to him, voice steady and calm, although the sharp look in his eyes proves otherwise. Passive aggressively, Chan tells him that he should try a little harder, because he's been slacking too much, and he's had enough fun of his own. Changbin knows Chan wants to ask questions. Why has he been forgetting so many assignments? Why has he been so distracted lately? Why has he been looking so tired? What has he been doing? But Chan never asks them. Of course he doesn't. If Changbin does not question why Chan is so ticked off by Changbin's mistakes, then Chan doesn't ask what's been up with Changbin. It's an unsaid rule— although both the boys have suspicions of their own. 

Still, it puts Changbin in a bad mood. When he tries to finish the assignments that still have time till their due date, the electricity of his whole complex goes out for a few hours. Something about one of the residents purposely messing around with the lights of their apartment, causing it to trip and shut off for a while until the problem gets fixed.

Normally, considering how it was ten in the night, a lot of the people that lived in his building just went to sleep. Changbin spent the next few hours in a cafe that had free wifi, struggling to focus with a large cup of warm coffee placed on his left, and a portable charger for his phone on his right. 

It's easy to say that the situation makes Changbin extremely annoyed. He might just have to pay that resident a little visit, to have a talk obviously. (Unless…?)

When he finally gets home, the clock's shorter hand is about to hit one, and although he wants to sleep, Changbin still changes into a thicker hoodie to keep him warm, and leaves his apartment approximately fifteen minutes later. 

His day has been absolute shit. He only hopes that meeting Felix will make it better. 

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



"Hey.. you don't need to answer me but, have you been taking your pills?" Changbin asks, not wanting to overstep any boundaries. 

"I took one yesterday but I've only been taking two once a week." Felix admits, meekly.

That causes Changbin to frown. "Aren't you supposed to be taking them daily?" He asks.

"Yeah," Felix nods, "But my therapist doesn't need to know." He scrunches his nose briefly. 

"But that's not good for you. You should take them."

"I don't want to."

Changbin sighs, "I'm just saying, Lix. Have you even been meeting your therapist recently?"

Felix looks away. "No…"

"You know—"

Felix cuts him off, "I know what you're going to say, but I don't wanna visit my therapist."

"But you really should. You should be getting some help." Changbin says, before realizing how his words can be interpreted. 

Felix clenches his jaw. "Yeah, because I'm totally insane, right?" 

Changbin reaches out to Felix. Felix takes a step back. "You know I didn't mean it like that." Changbin says.

"Did you though? Did you really? Because it didn't seem like it." Felix says, accusingly. It's so out of behavior.

That ticks Changbin off a little. "You know I wouldn't want to hurt you intentionally."

"I know what you meant, hyung. You don't need to act innocent." Felix shakes his head. 

Changbin gasps, "How am I acting innocent?! You're not letting me explain myself. You're not ready to listen to me!" 

"Because I know what you meant, okay? I heard you the first time."

Changbin frowns at the way Felix phrases his words. "This isn't like you at all." 

"Funny, because i'm just an insane little kid that needs help, right?" Felix taunts, tilting his head to the side with an eyebrow raised. 

"Don't twist my words like that! Why are you acting this way?" 

"Because you just called me insane! that's why!" 

"I told you I didn't mean it like that! And when did I ever call you insane?!" Changbin says, almost like he’s screaming out of indignance. He’s weary, the last thing he wants to do is argue with someone– scratch that, argue with _Felix._ He just wants Felix to see from his point of view, instead of making Changbin seem like the bad person.

"No, no. I understood what you meant. I really did." Felix pushes, as if he's trying to get Changbin to reach his limit and snap. Changbin does exactly that.

"Can you fucking stop?!" Changbin snides resentfully, and he sees Felix wince. "I only said you should get some help, not because you're insane, but because I can see you and your health getting worse." Changbin says, taking a step forward. 

"Why do you care? Fuck off." Felix insists, sounding annoyed. Changbin knows he's right, and that Felix is only getting irked because he’s stubborn and doesn’t want to accept it. 

"Don't fucking act like that. I don't know why the fuck you're acting like a little bitch right now, stop trying to push me away! You know damn well why I'm worried for you." Changbin says, trying to keep his voice down.

"Well then stop being worried! I didn't ask for your stupid fucking pity, literally fuck off." Felix replies, exasperatedly.

"It's not pity, for god's sake! I'm fucking worried for you and I'm trying to look out before you start feeling fucking worse! I don't like seeing you like this!" Changbin says through gritted teeth, running and hand through his hair in frustration.

"Why the fuck do you even care?!" Felix yells, as if he's in disbelief. As if he doesn't want to believe that Changbin actually cares for him, all due to his low self esteem and the years of self deprecation he's gone through. It's almost a cry for help said indirectly. Felix asks him why, because he hates himself to the point where every answer of Changbin's makes no sense in Felix's vulnerable mind. Changbin doesn't notice it, too vexed and jaded to see past Felix's spiteful words.

"I care because I don't want to see you cry all the fucking time! because you always keep fucking crying over your stupid fucking dead father as if doing that will bring him back alive from whatever grave he put himself into–" Changbin yells, before he slaps his hand over his mouth with wide eyes, realizing just how his insolent and disdainful his words are, and this time, there's nothing to back him up. 

Felix's gasp is the only thing that resonates in the alley, and suddenly even the air around them feels so thick and heavy that Changbin feels so suffocated. Time ticks away, getting slower and slower until Changbin feels like everything has stopped. 

Suddenly, the alley feels too quiet. His quickened heartbeat rings in his head, it keeps thrumming annoyingly, the sound feeling like shards of glass to his ears. He got too riled up, and everything came down crashing, tumbling and destroying anything in its way. He takes shallow breaths, chest heaving up and down, trying to process what just happened. Everything seems like a blur, mushing into each other, and all Changbin can decipher is his departing anger and the residue of his own immatureness. 

He went too far. He knows his words hurt Felix. He knows it, and he's hating himself every second because what he said wasn't alright.

Changbin dares to look at Felix, and sees Felix staring right at him with a fallen emotion. When they make eye contact, Felix whimpers. 

"I n-need to go—" He says hurriedly, rushing past Changbin and grappling his duffel bag from the floor. 

Changbin reaches out just in time to catch Felix's wrist, wrapping his fingers around it.

"W-wait Felix—" 

Felix stops him by holding his hand. "Please," He pleads. Something pinces his heart, and not in a good way. Changbin can see the pain that hides in his eyes. He hates himself. "Please." Felix repeats, "You've hurt me enough." and then he yanks his wrist out of Changbin's hand. 

Felix leaves the alley after that, not looking back once. Changbin doesn't expect him to. 

Changbin trudges to the wall, sinking down on his knees. He runs his hand through his hair, letting his hair flow between his fingers. He waits for a second, and then pulls out of frustration.

"Fuck!" He screams in guilt as the image of Felix's face appears in his mind. 

"Fuck…" He says again, voice softer than before as something claws in his heart. It makes him tug his hair, it makes him want to yell out a thousand apologies. 

Dumb fucking him. Dumb fucking heart. And dumb fucking soulmate bond. 

Changbin sits there, and nibbles on his lower lip, pulling the skin on it till it breaks, and blood seeps out of it. It's a bad habit he does when he's lost in a reverie or when he's anxious.

This time it's the latter. 

_Why am I so fucking stupid? Why can't I keep my mouth shut for two seconds? I didn't even mean my words, but that doesn't excuse the fact that i still said them. What the fuck am I supposed to do now? How do I clean my mess? How do I apologize to Felix?_ He thinks. He comes to no conclusions.

Changbin cries on the way home, and if his lips taste metallic, then that's no one's business but his.

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



“I hate myself.” Changbin grunts into the pillow, his voice coming out muffled. 

Jisung laughs. “Mood.” 

Hearing those words, Chan makes a sound of disapproval, "Gen z, seriously. Changbinnie are you okay?”

Changbin rolls over on his back. “Nooo." He whines. 

"What did you do?" Jisung asks, and really, Changbin should be offended how Jisung automatically assumed that it was him that did something, but he lets it slide. No point in defending himself for something that's true. 

"I...messed up." Changbin pauses, remembering Felix's hunched up silhouette hustling out of the alley. "I hurt someone that means a lot to me." 

"Oh. Is it like a friend? Acquaintance? Or is it some secret lover of yours?" Jisung asks, keeping his eyes on his switch.

Changbin ponders. "Everything?" he asks himself. They were, or well, are supposed to be friends, but Changbin knows that if Felix was in a better state of mind, then they could be something more. Changbin doesn't blame Felix though. You can't love someone unless you love yourself first. Funny, he needs to work on that too.

"Huh. When are we gonna meet them?" Chan asks, although he sounds more amused than betrayed. 

Changbin laughs dryly. "I don't think he wants to see me ever again, what makes you think you have a chance at meeting him?" 

"What happened anyways?" Chan asks. 

Changbin presses his lips together, feeling shameful. “I lost my temper...said some insensitive things I shouldn’t have and don’t even mean, and then he left.”

Chan hums, “That’s not like you.” He notices. Changbin agrees, but he had been so tired and got so riled up that he ended up snapping.

“I had a bad day.” 

Chan gives him a look. 

What are you going to do now?” Jisung pipes in, suddenly interested in the conversation. “My switch died.” He explains with a lopsided smile. Ah, so that’s why. 

"Try to talk to him. Explain myself. Apologize." Changbin lists. "Do anything I can do." 

"He means a lot to you, doesn't he?" Chan asks, although it sounds more like an observation of his. 

"Yeah. He does." Changbin says back, feeling bittersweet.

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



Felix doesn't come to the alley that night. 

Really, there's not much to say. 

Logically, Changbin didn't expect him to be there, but the more irrational part of him had hoped that he would. 

Changbin sat in the lonely alley, as cold as ever. He sat there for hours, just waiting, and waiting.

When the sun decided to grace everyone with its lively presence, Changbin got up and left, feeling as downcast and culpable as ever. But he knows this is the residue of his own callow act. So he walks home, telling himself that he deserved this. Telling himself that this is nothing compared to what he should be going through.

A contrast; the sun shines its rays on the city, light filtering through the warm toned tree leaves, a glowing yellow painting over every being in the form of a faint gleam, warmth draping over everyone but Changbin, as he walks, dressed in plain black clothes. Yellow falls on everyone. Everyone except the passerby in black. Yellow feels like everyone. Everyone except Changbin, who is all black.

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



"Did you meet him?" Jisung asks.

"No."

"But?" Chan says, knowingly.

"But I will keep trying." 

Jisung and Chan give him sanguine smiles.

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



Felix isn't there the next day as well. Changbin sits there again. This time he thinks about how Felix must be feeling, and what he must be going through. 

Felix had trusted him. Felix had laid his heart out on Changbins palm, and what did Changbin do? He crushed it. He crushed it with the same hands that Felix had trusted.

Changbin can't even be imagining what Felix must be going through. 

Felix opened up to him. Felix told him about his own struggles. Felix told him everytime he felt a needle pierce his body, be it in the form of his mother, intrusive thoughts or of any mental illness that he suffered from. 

Changbin let Felix open up to him. Changbin let Felix trust him. And then Changbin pierced Felix back with the same needles that he's scarred from. 

It's cruel. He's cruel. He's not a monster but his actions have made him out to be one. He needs to fix it. There is no excuse for his shameful act. 

But how can he, when Felix won't show up? How can he, when he's scared of the outcome? How can he, when he cares so much for Felix, and he doesn't want to lose him?

A stupid mistake, which leads him to a dead end. He messed up. He needs to explain himself. He doesn't want to lose Felix. One may say he's asking for too much. One may say that the possibility of those happening is unlikely. Changbin says nothing. His imagination is not reality. There's no reassurance and hope for him until Felix shows up. Perhaps that is scarier than to not be forgiven at all. Closure is a stubborn, clingy little thing, after all.

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



"Did he show up?"

"No."

The conversation ends there.

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



Three days pass. Felix never comes. 

Today, Changbin sits and looks at Felix's painting. 

He's never actually appreciated it properly, always too distracted to do so. 

The painting has smudged blobs of grey, blue and red on top, and two hands drawn in front. It's realistic, its strokes gentle yet saturated, leaving Felix's style all over it. There's darker shades on top of the beige, adding an illusion of depth and shadows to the painting. 

Say you're falling. Say you're sinking in the ocean, and all you see is your hands reaching up and the light that shines on top of the ocean. Now replace the light with bright colors. That's what the drawing is. 

It's about a person sinking and sinking, trying their best to reach out to the light on the surface. It's about a person who's on the brink of letting go, trying to hold onto someone for a little longer. It's about Felix, and Changbin, his mom, and his dad, represented by colors. Red, grey, and blue. 

Felix colored his mom grey after she hurt him. Changbin wonders why his own color, red, isn't covered by a grey as well. 

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



Changbin goes back on the fourth day, and decides to not come back again. Not until a week passes, that is. 

He remembers Felix telling him that this alley was his escape. That this alley is his little dreamland, encased by two dirty brick walls that has little sprouts peeking out of its cracks, but it seems to give him the comfort that his so-called home could never give. 

He's gone from feeling like a stranger to a friend, from feeling like someone to no one, from feeling like a person Felix trusts to a person Felix absolutely despises, but he's never felt like an intruder. Not once, not when he first encountered the alley, not when Felix told him about what the alley means to him. 

Until now. The realization comes unexpectedly, and for once, Changbin feels like he's intruding into Felix's little space, and maybe that's what's stopping Felix from coming. Obviously in the end he really only cares about Felix. (Ironic, isn't it?)

If Felix needs time, Changbin will give him exactly that. 

He decides to leave after that, still dejected. 

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



"Was he there?" Jisung asks, with a super glue in his hand.

"I haven't gone in two days." Changbin replies, scrunching his nose as the smell of glue lingers around the room. He eyes the worn out Doc Martens on the table, not liking how the dirty platform boots are leaving dirty stains. "You should buy a new pair."

"Don't encourage him! he's been wearing those for so long!" Chan sighs.

Jisung ignores him. "Why haven't you been going?" 

"If he wants space I'll give him that." 

Jisung presses his lips together in helplessness. Changbin stares at him, nodding in understanding. 

Then, their eye contact is broken by Chan exclaiming, "I think laid on a bottle of super glue– wait- I'M GLUED TO CHANGBIN'S BED HELP!"

The topic drops. Changbin's glad it's been.

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



"Some people have soulmates that they don't need, but some people have soulmates who are meant for each other to help each other. You might not even realize that they're your soulmate but the second you're struggling, they will come and save your life." He remembers his mother had once said, breeze playing with her brunette hair. 

He was just a young little flower, and he didn't understand the beauty and bitterness of the world, so he nodded along to her words, pretending. He pulled grass between his fingers and plucked it out from the ground, not believing a word his mother had said. It was implausible. So he kept pretending and pretending, until that turned into his own fate. 

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



"Come on," says his mom. "The doctor is waiting."

Felix walks in, wishing he could turn back any second.

The doctor is dressed in white, a color too bright for the melancholy that resides in his eyes. The room is white, a color too bright for the devastating news he's about to find out.

Felix steps in with dread. The doctor gives him a forced smile, and then the door closes shut behind him.

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



At ten in the night, Changbins fingers dance over his keyboard, mindlessly searching information for an assignment when a song starts playing in his head. A piano introduces the song, a slow note that fades into nothing, before the key is pressed again. It dwindles away, and then the sweet-toned sound is heard again until it falls into a slow pattern, creating a soothing melody that sounds like honey to his ears. 

This song isn't like any other that he's heard in his head. This song isn't some red velvet song, and that is proved further when the singer sings the first verse.

_Hello there_

_Is anyone there?_

_Where is_

_Is there anyone_

_To answer me?_

_Is anyone there?_

Changbin furrows his eyebrows. It's painful to have the knowledge that Felix might be alone, and it feels like needles to his heart when he realizes that he could've been there. That he could be the stranger that makes his world a little less lonely. That he could give Felix the comfort of knowing that someone is out there, and that he isn't all alone.

"You're zoning out." Chan points, alerting him.

Changbin blinks at him. "Do you happen to know a song that goes like this—"

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



"Felix!" Yells his mom, but her voice never reaches his ears in the midst of the storm that threatens to fuel up inside Felix. It’s too much. Everything is too much. He gets pushed to his limit. The water overflows the sink. Poison bubbles up and dribbles out of its vial. Somewhere, a heart shatters. Somewhere, a plug is pulled.

He runs out of the room. It's too much. Everything is suffocating him. Everything is turning the opposite of what it should be. Everything is going wrong.

He doesn't want to believe the doctor and all the stupid fucking nurses who can’t do their job properly. He wants to wake up from the horrid dream he's stuck in, the one which is reality.

Felix runs home with tears in his eyes, ringing resonating in his mind like an hourglass. He needs to feel closer to his dad. He needs anything, just _anything_ that will let him feel his dad one last time, even if it may be the vile drink that was the one to send his dad over the edge.

With his heart beating rapidly in his chest, Felix walks into his house, hands finding the bottles of alcohol that were thrown to the back of the kitchen cabinet months ago.

At last, His Papa and him will have something in common.

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



The song plays in Changbin's mind constantly, on repeat for half an hour already. Changbin can't focus, and he thinks it's obvious with the way he shuffles around in his chair impatiently.

_'Why am I alone?_

_Among all the people surrounding me_

_Why am I alone?_

_I’m all alone, I need someone_

_I need someone right now'_

The singer belts out, before his voice glitches, turning an octave lower before sounding normal again. It lasts for half a second, before the background music starts sounding distorted, weird noises and disturbances being heard in the midst of the instrumental. 

Changbin frowns, wondering what the fuck is happening. 

The song wasn't like this before. The voices start echoing around his head, and his head starts hurting as the music becomes less bearable. 

"What's wrong, Changbinnie?" Chan asks, noticing his distress. 

Knowing that Chan has a lot of knowledge about soulmates, Changbin asks him, "You know how a soulmate music bond exists right? The one where you can hear what music your soulmates listen to?" Changbin asks, and Chan nods at him albeit confused. "What does it mean when the music starts glitching and sounding weird?"

"Well… if you feel other symptoms such as nausea, headaches and fatigue in your body, it usually means that your soulmate is dying or about to die." Chan says with a shudder. Changbin freezes and everything goes to shit. 

"What…dying?" Changbin whispers, feeling sick to his stomach.

Chan nods at him, and Changbin stands up instantly, pulled into a state of absolute panic. 

Felix. Felix is not okay. He needs to see him. 

Changbin pushes his chair back harshly, sprinting to the apartment door. There's only one place he can see Felix at. 

"Hey- Changbin!" Chan yells as Changbin unlocks the door hastily, stumbling out with nothing but a layer of thin clothing on. Instantly the cold winter weather hits his body like a wave, sending shivers up his spine, but Changbin doesn’t stop. 

Fallen, crumbled leaves crunch under his steps as he runs as fast as he can. Strangers move aside fleetingly, wanting to avoid bumping into him for their own sake. Changbin keeps running and running, stopping not even once. Not even when his lungs give out. Not even when his hands tremble. 

The alley comes into view, but Changbin doesn’t slow down. He needs to see Felix. He needs to know he’s okay. He needs him. 

Staggering into the alley, Changbin is hit with the strong, smothering smell of alcohol. “Oh my god…” He whispers as he stops in place, horrified at the sight before him. 

Alcohol bottles littered all around. Some standing, some broken into pieces, and most empty. There are splatters of alcohol staining the ground of all shapes and sizes. 

Felix lies on the dirty ground before him, head tipping to the side with his trembling hand clutching his phones. He has his earphones in, music playing so loudly that Changbin hears the song faintly even when he's a few feet away from his. 

Little boxes and bottles of pills lay beside him, the same ones that Felix had told Changbin were his antidepressants. Changbin hates looking at them. 

He sprints forward before collapsing on his knees. The ground feels like needles, but it all feels numb to him when there's so much more he is worrying about.

"Fuck!" He yells as tears sting his eyes. He rips away Felix's earphones before throwing it to the side carelessly. The noise in his head stops immediately. The alley is too quiet. There's no sound other than his own heart running in his chest, not even the commotion outside is heard, not even the calm breathing of Felixs' that he used to find comfort in is heard.

He cups Felix's palm with his uncontrollably shaking hand, noticing how cold and damp his skin feels under Changbin's warm touch. "Felix!" He calls, holding Felix's limp face towards him, only to be greeted with a concerningly pale face. His skin looks so fragile and lifeless, he reeks of alcohol so much that one would scrunch their nose, and his eyes are rolled backwards, barely open. 

"Fuck… what did you do...what did you fucking do?!" Changbin bends down to rest his ear on Felix's chest, hoping to hear something. He does hear a little thump, beating so feebly and slowly that it makes Changbin's stomach churn in so many different emotions. 

With his senses sent into a state of extreme panic, he pushes himself up hastily, reaching out to grab a bottle of pills. It feels so light in his hands. So light, that Changbin is terrified. He pops the lid open, and nothing falls out. Not even one damn pill. Changbin doesn't want to know where they all went. 

He Pulls out his phone before dialing 119, a lump building in his throat when he realizes that even the call beeps faster than Felix's heartbeat. 

"One-one-nine operator. What is your emergency?" A voice says from his phone. Too calm for the storm they're going to be informed about. 

"I- please help! He's barely b-breathing! please send an ambulance!" Changbin all but cries.

Things pass by in a blur, the operator asks him a few more questions about the situation, questioning him about their location and questions furthermore about Felix, like his gender and age. Changbin answers them hurriedly, words ripping through his sobs.

"Please stay on the line, an ambulance is on it's way to you." The operator says, and Changbin places his phone on the ground. He pulls Felix towards him, turning him so he lays on his side in case Felix ends up throwing up and chokes on his own bile. Changbin wraps his arms around Felix's flaccid body, holding him close with his chest pressing on the youngers' in hopes that he will not feel too cold. Tears keep escaping his eyes, they fall down his cheeks smoothly and get sucked by the fabric of Felix's shirt. Changbin brushes Felix's black bangs to the side, leaning down to leave a soft kiss on his cold forehead. He lets his lips linger there a second longer, his eyes shut as he tries to inscribe how Felix feels under his touch.

He sniffles, "Come back to me…" His voice breaks, shaking vulnerably. "Please…" Changbin whispers again, his forehead falling onto Felix's shoulder as he holds him as close as ever.

His cries are the only thing heard in the alley. Changbin cries until he can't breathe anymore. 

He gapes for air. He cries at the pain in his heart. He struggles when the paramedics finally arrive and try to pull Felix away from his wrath. 

There's blue and red around him. Red, like the fire that burns inside Changbin, ruining every little piece of himself. Blue, like Felix's fingers. Like his skin, Like his lips.

He screams piercingly when two arms wrap around his body from the back before Felix gets pulled from his arms. He thrashes around in the strong wrath, watching helplessly as two men quickly lay Felix's body onto the stretcher. 

"Let me go!" He grunts, albeit weakly, using his strength to try and break free from the arms holding him in place. "Please!"

"Changbinnie." Says the voice from behind him. Changbin slowly comes to halts, realizing who it is. 

"Chan hyung." His face crumbles again and he turns around to hide his face into Chans chest. "y-you should've seen him, he was dying! He was dying and i c-couldn't do anything!" 

Chan pats a hand on his back, shushing him. "It's okay, binnie. Wasn't your fault." Chan says, so comfortingly. 

Changbin shakes his head. "No! I need to see him, hyung." He looks at Chan, "Please, let me know he's okay!"

Chan gives him a disheartening look. "Breathe. Calm down first. The doctors will do everything they can to help him, okay?" 

Changbin doesn't listen. Turning around, he notices the two officers that patiently stand by, waiting to interrogate him. Changbin lets him. He answers as quickly as he can, and he's glad that they don't comment on the tears that trail down his cheek. 

The officers are kind, they ask him about how he found Felix, and if they're friends or related in any way. When they're done, Changbin faces Chan again, looking at him with a pleading expression. Chan understands what it means instantly, and then quickly starts walking out of the alley. 

Changbin is about to follow him out when something catches his eyes, making him stop in his tracks. 

Felix's painting looks as beautiful as ever, but a chill runs up Changbin's spine when he realizes why it looks so wrong to him.

It's gone. The blue, the color of Felix's dad, is gone. It's disappeared. It's dead.

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



Changbin has been at the hospital plenty of times in his life. White walls, nurses with papers in their hands, sanitizers kept all around. He would see people sitting patiently, children sneezing occasionally, and sometimes people mourning, weeping, screaming. There were people who were sick, and there were people who were there for someone sick or who required help. Changbin never thought he'd be one of them, but alas. 

The hospital is empty, due to it being extremely late in the night. Felix is in the hospital room, doctors helping him to help him live his last breath and trying to remove the pills from his body. Changbin sits right outside, head in his hands as Chan holds him around his waist. 

He hates how Felix was left all alone. He hates how Felix choosed suicide as an option, when it should've never even been one. 

He hates how he didn't see the signs. He hates how he was too late to stop Felix.

He hates how he can't do anything. He hates how Felix's life is so messed up, when he deserves exactly the opposite. 

Changbin hates everything. He hates himself, he hates life, he hates time for going so slowly. 

Every tick of the clock pierces his ears. It ticks so slowly, dragging out every little emotion of Changbin's with it. Every sniffle of his wears him out even more, his energy mixing with each tear.

He's so worn out already, too fatigued to even make any noise. He cries silently, warm tears falling, thoughts intruding his mind, pulling him into a dark ocean that Changbin isn't sure he can stay afloat on alone. 

What if Felix dies? What if the doctors fail? What if he never gets to see Felix again? What if Felix hates him? 

Changbin closes his fist and digs his nails into his palm. He doesn't want any of those to be true, but well,

You can only hope for so much before your wish dies out. 

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



Half an hour later, a lady runs in. She's dressed formally, black trousers with a crinkled white shirt, as if she was in a hurry when she left. Her beautiful brunette hair is tied up in a messy bun and her heels click clack against the tile floor, screeching against them as she walks hastily. 

She brushes past Changbin, a sweet yet suffocating scent of her perfume lingering behind her, leaving him feeling overbeared for a few seconds as she interrogates a poor nurse at the reception desk.

The lady introduces herself as Felix's mother. Changbin doesn't know if he should laugh or continue crying when he sees how heartbroken her face looks.

She sits a few seats away from him, looking eerily composed for someone who almost lost their son. 

Changbin doesn't look at her anymore. Funny how she suddenly seems to take up the motherly act once something actually happened to Felix. Maybe he's being a little too harsh, considering how the lady has lost her husband and almost lost her son too, however she shouldn't have said shit to Felix if she actually cared about him so Changbin doesn't care. 

Chan is silent beside him, and Changbin really should explain the situation to him, but he knows that Chan has most likely connected the dots. 

"Let's go home, Binnie. You can return tomorrow." Chan says.

Changbin wants to say no, but even if the situation is icky, he knows better than to tire himself out even more. 

He can visit Felix tomorrow. Even if he isn't sure if Felix wants to see him.

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



"Where did Jisung go?" Changbin asks on the way back, voice rough and frail but enough for Chan to hear him.

"He was there when the ambulance took the boy— Felix, away, but you know how he gets. I could tell he was having flashbacks, so I told him to leave and go back to your apartment." 

"Oh...is he okay?" Changbin asks, feeling concerned for Jisung. It's unfortunate that Jisung has already been in his position, but what's worse is how he has to witness it all over again. 

Chan hums, "He will be." Chan rings the doorbell before looking back at Changbin, giving him a knowing look. He knows, Jisung will be okay.

The door opens a few seconds later, and Jisung cocks his head and gives him a guilty smile. 

"Save it. Don't apologize." Changbin says, trudging in after Chan. He knows Jisung feels bad for not being there for him. Jisung presses his lips together in defeat, before nodding meekly.

If Jisung notices just how tired and red his eyes are, then Changbin is glad he doesn't comment on it.

Chan and Jisung share a glance, before their eyes fall on Changbin. 

"You have some explaining to do." Chan says.

Changbin gulps nervously, his throat feeling clogged up. "I'll talk about it. Just please, not now."

And they understand, of course they do. "Go to sleep, Binnie. You need it." They say, watching him retreat into his room with sunken shoulders. 

Changbin might not be crying anymore, but he isn't sure for how much longer he'll be able to keep his act up. It's simple, he just has to try and not think about Felix, and it keeps getting harder by each passing second. Changbin slips into his pajamas robotically, barely processing how the clock reads two in the morning.

Due to how much he's cried, a few minutes after Changbin lies in the comfort of his bed, he does end up slipping into a slumber, saving him from wallowing in sadness.

Curse his luck, because not even half an hour later Changbin's dreams of Felix. 

Felix with paint surrounding him, smiling at him so brightly that Changbin wants to reach out and relish in the warmth. Then, things take a turn, and Black paint starts seeping in from the ground. It keeps rising until it reaches his neck, suffocating him and pressing against his chest forcefully. A painful cry escapes from Felix's mouth and Changbin screams as Felix falls into the pit of black, his body sinking down until he's disappeared. 

"Felix!" He calls out, trying to rush forward through the thick liquid, his hands moving around in hopes of feeling Felix's body. 

"I hate you. You did this to me." Says a voice from behind him. Changbin turns around quickly, seeing Felix's body floating above the water, so pale and lifeless, Black tainted all over his face. 

"No." He whispers, trying to convince himself that he did not lead Felix to his grave, but the voice seems to have had enough. Paint starts seeping into Felix's mouth as his body slowly sinks in.

"No- NO!" Changbin yells in urgency, but Felix is gone already, and Changbin is surrounded with black, and only black.

Changbins eyes snap open, a gasp tumbling out of his lips. He pushes himself up with the most strength he can muster, ignoring the slight burn in his arms. He scans the room from left to right, only being greeted with dark shadows filtering through his curtains and the outline of objects scattered around his room. He breathes out a sigh of relief, realizing that it was just a dream. That it was not reality, and it hopefully wouldn’t ever be. Reaching over to switch his lamp on, Changbin pushes down the wave of emotions that curl over his heart. The lamp brings a soft, yellow glow to the room, causing the eerie shadows to retreat back. 

He exhales shakily, before grabbing the extra pillow he keeps on his bed. Changbin lies back down, wrapping his arms around the cold pillow like he used to wrap them around Felix. Closing his eyes shut, Changbin imagines Felix with him. Changbin imagines Felixs warmth mingling with his own. He imagines their relationship being perfect, and for once, he finds himself falling asleep with nothing but illusions all around him. 

Changbin just wants Felix. Changbin just wants to see him, and tomorrow, he will. (Hopefully.)

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



When he wakes up again, his room looks serene, with light brighter than his lamp falling into his room, painting it with an orange glow. Changbin doesn’t bother relishing in the tranquility of his room. A glance at the clock tells him it’s about eight in the morning, and Changbin barely even registers himself freshening up before he’s stumbling out of his room, dressed into a new pair of clothes. 

He sees Chan standing in front of his stove, probably cooking up one of the few dishes that he can make, while Jisung sits at the dining table, eating those said delicacies. 

“Someone’s in a hurry.” Jisung teases before he takes a bite from his crispy toast. Changbin makes a face at him. Chan turns around to look at him, a small spoon in his hand, before he jumps backwards in surprise. 

“Woah!” Chan laughs, glancing around nervously, “you look different...haha.” He says, trying to do some damage control. 

“Just say I look shitty, hyung.” Changbin deadpans, and really, he would have found it cute or funny if times were different. 

Chan blinks. He should've expected better, obviously Changbin wouldn't laugh in a situation like this. 

"How do you feel?" Chan asks instead.

Changbin scoffs, flatly. "Empty. I don't think I've processed what happened." He answers, trying to make it as simple as he can make it to be. He feels empty, and in the back of his head, he knows what's wrong. He knows Felix tried to commit suicide. But he doesn't feel anything. He's just numb. He just wants things to go back to how they were, but Changbin knows, that would make things worse. Maybe this was bound to happen. If hope waits for Felix, then things will finally start looking up, and if not… well, Changbin doesn't want to think about that.

Chan hums, "It might take you some time." He says sympathetically, before turning around to the stove. "When will you be going to the hospital?"

"As soon as I can?" 

"Do you want toast?" Chan gestures to him, moving to the side so Changbin can get a view of the white bread toasting on the pan. (Due to him breaking his toaster, they had to improvise.)

Changbin feels something churn in his stomach when he looks at the food. Making a face, he shakes his head to indicate a no, before gulping in an attempt to get rid of the nauseous feeling in the back of his throat.

Chan nods at him. "Have something later then. Don't have an empty stomach." 

Changbin nods at him. He waves at Jisung as he whispers a little "bye." before going back to devouring his piece of bread.

Changbin leaves after that, unsure of what to expect once he reaches the hospital.

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



The hospital halls are still the same as earlier. Just much louder. 

"I'm the one that found him. You need to let me see him." Changbin says, feeling a little ticked off because of the nurse. 

"Could I get your name, sir?" 

"It's Changbin. Seo Changbin." He answers. The nurse looks taken aback for a second, before she eyes him up and down a few times. It makes Changbin feel like he's an object being displayed, but the feeling is gone as soon as it has arrived. 

"I'm afraid you won't be able to see him." 

Changbin makes a sound of confusion. "I- no you don't understand, I was the person that called for the ambulance. I should be able to see him."

"I understand what you're saying, sir, but Mr. Lee has personally requested that he doesn't want to see you. Please understand." 

"What…" Changbin whispers to himself in disbelief. "You're kidding, right?" 

“Sir I am sorry, but this is Mr. Lee’s request.” The nurse replies robotically, as if she’s had this conversation a thousand times. It’s not like she was going to pity him anyways. 

"I- Is he going to be okay?" The nurse's eyes soften. He wonders if the nurse knows something about Felix that he doesn't. 

"Mr. Lee is going to be okay. That's all information I provide you with." She glances behind him, "Well, if that is all." She smiles, before walking past him.

Changbins face falls. Felix doesn't want to see him. 

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



"You've been sleeping for literally sixteen hours straight. Get up or I'll pour water on your face." Changbin hears Chan say, but his vision remains black. 

"Can i pour water on his face?" Jisung pipes in, sounding so excited that Changbin should honestly feel offended. 

Changbin grunts, opening his eyes a little to see Chansung towering over him. He ignores their chatter, and makes grabby hands at both of them.

"No cuddling time for me. I have to finish the lyrics for a song." Jisung makes a pouty face as Chan rolls his eyes and slides into bed beside Changbin. 

Changbin wraps his arms around Chans like it's muscle memory. Perks of having friends who like to cuddle. 

"You never told us what happened at the hospital, you know. You just stormed in and fell asleep."

Changbin fists Chan's shirt before letting it go. "I asked a nurse about Felix. She said he didn't want to see me." Chan gasps at his reply.

"Aw Binnie…" He says, scooting even closer to try and comfort him.

"H-he hates me." And Chan can't even confirm anything, because he doesn't know Felix like Changbin does. 

The lack of silence is enough.

"I need him, hyung. So bad." Changbin says. He feels so chastened knowing Felix is probably in a hospital room, all alone with white walls trapping him. 

"Why are you crying again?" Chan tries to lighten the atmosphere. 

Huh. He hadn't realized that he was crying.

"Can't help it." 

"He's your soulmate, isn't he?" Chan asks suddenly, and despite crying, Changbin sucks in a breath. 

He meets Chan's eyes. "...Yeah. I'm sorry I didn't tell you." 

Chan pats his hair. "It's okay, Binnie." It is not okay. "You had your own reasons." But did he really? or were they just excuses?

"Still, I should've told you." 

"You know it doesn't matter anymore." 

Changbin gives up. There's no point in pushing Chan when he's always been pliant, always been kind enough to forgive quickly.

"I feel so lost. I feel like I should be crying right now, but I just feel empty. Emotionless, and maybe that's even worse than feeling sad." 

"Maybe it's because you know Felix is going to be okay? the nurse said so." 

"It's sad how I'm blindly believing her. Shows how desperate I am." Changbin chuckles, lacking any humor.

Chan sighs, "It's not a bad thing. At Least you actually care about him." 

"I guess. I just…I don’t know what to do. What if I never see him again? What if he tries something again and I wouldn’t even know.”

Chan tugs him closer, unable to answer, because what really is he supposed to say? Changbins questions are all dead ends. They lead to nowhere. So Chan tugs him closer and closer until he can feel Changbins body warmth. At Least then he won’t feel alone on the cold, unforeseeable journey. 

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



"Why doesn't he want to see anyone?" The lady asks, her voice sharp and straight to the point. 

"Well, it is different for everyone, but at times when someone fails a suicide attempt they might feel even sadder because they will feel like the failed to suicide, the one thing that they saw as their only way out." The nurse says.

That wasn't the case. Not for Felix at least. 

His mom sighs, nodding. "And for how long does he need to stay here?" She asks.

"Depends on how fast he gets better and becomes stable." The nurse's eyes fall to the door. "But considering how all he has done is cry for the past few days, it will definitely take...a while.

Perhaps, a _month_?"

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



A few days pass by monotonously. They pass by in the blink of an eye, only seeming to slow down once there's a slight change from his normal days to now. Like how he stays home in the night and actually sleeps. Like how he doesn't need to stay up anymore. Like how the only way he can see Felix while he's asleep, and that is both, quite literally, a dream and a nightmare– and yes, he does wake up in the middle of the night, tears down his cheeks as his heart beats so rapidly in his chest, the image of Felix dying engraved in his mind. 

Even Chan has noticed how although he's sleeping on time, it's never a proper sleep, and it's come to the point where Changbin is afraid to fall asleep, just because he does not want to experience those nightmares all over again. To go through that pain just once is enough. 

Things don't get better from there on. When Changbin had visited the hospital, they informed him that Felix was moved to another wing, and it was that same damn nurse who refused to tell more information.

Changbin stopped going a day later. Maybe it's horrible of him to just give up after that, but there is no point anymore. Not when Changbin doesn't even know where Felix is.

He looks at the clock, watching the time reach twelve in the night, before a new day starts. The tick of the hand marks a week since the incident. A week of hopelessness.

Changbin sighs out, keeping the pencil from his hands back on the table. He should sleep too. He looks at the bed, being reminded of the constant nightmares he gets. Maybe he should stay up instead. Really, that is all it takes to change his mind.

He looks down at his outfit. Simple black sweatpants and a t-shirt that's a size or two bigger than his. 

Presentable. And with that Changbin grabs his phone and walks out of his apartment, not caring about how loud his steps are because for once, Chan and Jisung aren't over at his house. (Not that he minds it when they are over.)

There's no location that he wants to go to in his mind. He's just leaving because it will pass time quicker, rather than just sitting in the squeaky chair of his, glancing at the clock in boredom before letting his eyes drift over to his bed and allowing the intrusive thoughts to come crashing into his mind. 

He doesn't even bother looking at the pretty city around him. Fairy lights that are too bright for him hang from sharply shaved trees, people too lively for him brush past him and restaurants and stores buzzing with chatter and crowd rest all around him. 

Of course, the heart of the country never sleeps.

Changbin sees a little escape. A lane that takes him further into the residential area. Villas, bunglows, and a shoreline is what lies at the end of the road. Changbin had stumbled upon it on a boring night. 

He turns to the left and right into the opening, away from the ebullience cacophony of the night. 

Here, the lights are dull, few street lights don't even work properly, and with every step he takes, he can hear the sound of waves crashing getting louder, and downtown getting softer and softer. 

The houses around him have no lights. No one walks around except him. It's eerily deserted. 

Finally, Changbin sees the shoreline under the soft light emitted from the moon. 

It's not much. Just a simple beach. He can't see much due to how dark it is, but he can hear the thunderous waves tumbling onto the shore, sounding powerful but pacific. 

There are small wooden tables scattered across, probably for families that come. Changbin has no intention to go towards them, but as his shoes slip into the gentle sand, he notices someone hunched over one of the tables, his body facing the sound of the waves. 

Changbin isn't sure what it is, but something in his gut tells him to go towards the person. It's a powerful feeling, leaving him so overwhelmed that Changbin can't even fight back. 

Defeated, he walks over to the man, noticing there's a few alcohol bottles placed around him. It gives him a sense of familiarity, all that he's been through just a week ago. Changbin pushes down the emotions that rise, before silently sitting a few feet away from him. The man freezes, his eyes set on his lap as he reeks of cheap alcohol. 

Then, the man looks at him, with trembling eyes and alcohol stains on his formal brown suit. He looks not a day over twenty, and Changbin feels his curiosity spike, wanting to know why a charming man like him is spending his night alone while being drunk at a beach.

Changbin lips part, before he shuts them again, at a loss for words. The man beats him to it, smiling inattentively, as if he's lost in the memories of his mind.

“My clients always told me that they look up to me.” The man says, before lifting up the bottle of alcohol as if acknowledging it. “Wonder what they’d think if they saw me like this.” The man's words are slurred, and Changbin can only imagine how many bottles he’s had. 

The man trails his eyes from Changbins face to his legs, before coming all the way up to look him in the eye. Changbin feels like cowering under that searing gaze. “Some of them are your age, you know? Young, reckless teens that have been crushed by their pasts. I'm supposed to help them get better, but i've failed at my job." The man sighs, taking a chug of alcohol. He swallows it, making a scrunched face. 

"Why is that?" Changbin asks, partially because his curiosity got the best of him, and because he knows the man is waiting to unfold his life onto a stranger. It's easier to tell your mistakes to someone who doesn't know you at all. 

"I was just informed that a client of mine tried to suicide by overdosing. With the same depressants I had recommended to him because I thought they would help." 

At that, Changbin freezes. 

"He was a young lad, around your age, too. He had stopped coming for a while. I thought he was finally getting better." The man continues. 

"Me too…" Changbin says, having a person in mind. Fate definitely loves to play tricks. 

The man glances at him, "He was always easy to read. I should've known he wasn't feeling better. I guess his words just got me distracted."

"Distracted….?" Changbin asks, subconsciously tilting his head to the side. The man looks at him, his eyes softening at Changbin's little gesture.

"He was talking about another boy, and he sounded so happy. I thought maybe this boy would be good for him."

Changbin smiles, awkwardly. "Well, maybe the boy wasn't there to help your client when he overdosed." 

The man lets go of the glass bottle, keeping it on the sand below. "Who knows." He shrugs, "well I better get going." The man stands up,

"Wait-" Changbin calls. "What was the client's name?"

"His name?" The man repeats. "Lee Felix."

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



Sometimes, Changbin finds himself scolding his past self. Sometimes, he wishes he was more grateful. 

Really, he's never had any problems while growing, especially those that have to do with money. His parents had gifted him anything he wanted, although he was never extremely greedy. 

Sure, he might be down to earth or humble, but he wishes he was a little more grateful. A little more grateful, when he realized he had a soulmate, even if he wanted to do nothing with the information. A little more grateful, so he could enjoy the time he had with Felix to the fullest, so he would have no regrets. 

It's something he had heard a lot in his childhood, when his friends would tell him "I'm so jealous of you." because of the money his family had, and when the aunties would come over, ruffling his hair in a playful manner as they'd tell him "you should be more grateful." He didn't take it by heart— although he should've. They were only telling it to him because they thought he should have more gratitude. And oh, reckless little Changbin who thought he was much cooler and smarter than the rest with his funky undercut obviously did not listen. The words went through one ear, and ran out of the other; he never processed them.

After that, he moved to Seoul, where barely anyone knew about his family. All they knew was that he was Seo Changbin, a young boy that had moved from Yongin, who had a knack for writing lyrics and was a prodigy at rap. 

And that was that. Changbin never thought about it ever again, until Lee Felix crashed into his life and managed to send all his beliefs tumbling down. 

Maybe it's time for him to take the aunties words seriously. He's doing this for himself, and himself only. 

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



At ten in the night, Chan and Jisung approach him again.

Chan gives him a stern look, making Changbin nervously glance down at his bedsheets as if they're the most interesting thing he's ever seen.

"You've got some explaining to do." Chan says, plopping down on one of his chairs, implying that he won't leave until he gets an answer while Jisung lays down on his bed, his head falling into Changbin's lap. 

Changbin knows he can't keep making them wait. So he explains. From the night they met to the night they fought, from when he realized Felix was his soulmate to when he found Felix in the alley, pale and unmoving; he explains it all. 

By the time he's done, more than half an hour has passed, and Chan looks unusually depressed. 

"Poor boy." Jisung says, and both Changbin and Chan agree with him. 

"Fate really made you meet your soulmate, just to take you two away from each other." Chan says, finding the situation extremely disheartening.

Changbin hums. 

"You said you were having nightmares about it. Did the sleeping pills help?" Jisung pipes in. 

"No. They didn't." It was like Changbin had never taken them at all. They didn't make him sleepier. They didn't stop the nightmares. 

"We've seen how much the nightmares affect you. Maybe you should see a psychologist." Jisung suggests. 

"Psychologist?" Changbin repeats, puzzled, "Why would I need to go to one? They're just nightmares."

Jisung gets up from his lap, sitting upright as he reaches out to look through something from his drawer. "Nightmares that have caused you to lose hours of sleep." Jisung says, finding a set of sticky notes and an old pencil that Changbin didn't even know he had. Jisung quickly jots down someone on the sticky note. "Here," Jisung says, holding the paper out. When Changbin looks at it he realizes it's a phone number with the name of a person on top. "He's a therapist and psychologist. I've been to him a few times and he's really kind. Call him and book an appointment if you want to."

Changbin takes the sticky note, nodding to Jisung even though he will probably end up ignoring the note, throwing it somewhere in his room until he forgets about it. 

Changbin won't ever book an appointment. 

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



Changbin does end up booking an appointment. 

The little clinic is the same as every boring hospital. White tiles and walls with the clean air in between.

"You have an appointment booked with Mr. Seo. Please have a seat, the doctor will be available in a few minutes." A short, brunette nurse says. 

Changbin nods, thanking her before making his way to the obnoxious blue sofas kept in the side of the clinic. 

He sits down onto one of them, running a hand up and down his arms, feeling goosebumps rise on his skin. Clinics and hospitals were always so cold. 

He waits a few minutes, playing with his fingers until a nurse calls his name out. 

"Seo Changbin…?" she asks, and Changbin looks at her before standing up. 

He follows her, passing a few wooden doors before she opens one, giving him a gesture that tells him to enter the room. 

When Changbin steps in, he makes eye contact with the doctor, and instantly stops in his steps. 

"Oh. It's you." The man from the beach. 

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



Said man doesn't even remember Changbin, so throughout the appointment, Changbin doesn't go into much detail. He just says he has trouble sleeping, and gets prescribed a small dose of sleeping pills that definitely were not the same as the ones he had taken from Jisung.

He leaves the room with a smile and a softly uttered thank you anyways. 

Buying the pills takes up even more time, but when Changbin finally gets them, he rushes out of the pharmacy and hurriedly gets into a taxi. He's had enough of human interaction for the day. 

While on the way home, Changbin gets a glimpse of the hospital Felix is or was at, he doesn't even know. Has Felix already been discharged? or is he still stuck between it's suffocating walls? 

Changbin sighs before looking away. 

_I miss you._

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



Another week passes by. And another, until more than a month has gone by since the incident. 

Changbin doesn't see or hear from Felix at all, to the point where he has to ignore his feelings so he doesn't end up wallowing in them. 

The only thing that keeps him going is music. 

He writes a song about Felix, and names it 'How much longer?' and then draws a little doodle above the lyrics. (And yes, the doodle looks like Felix.) 

_How much longer till he gets to see Felix?_

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



_Soon._ Felix thinks.

Soon he'll be able to go back to his life. Soon he'll find his home again.

The hospital before him makes his stomach churn as his emotions clash with each other.

The hospital is both heaven, and hell. 

Heaven, for it is helping him to get better. Heaven, for it has been so friendly to him. 

But hell, for its prison like walls are a constant reminder of why he is there in the first place. Hell, for it means he failed.

A part of him wonders how he got so comfortable in a place like that.

Doesn't matter. He can breathe now. He can walk away, and although he can't promise that he won't end up overdosing again, Felix knows for a fact that a brighter world waits for him ahead. Maybe not the brightest, but hey, at least it's something.

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



Changbin leaves to take a walk outside, just because his gut tells him to do that. It's a winter night, one that actually looks like it. Little snowflakes sprinkle from the darkness enveloping the earth, twirling in the air before they fall down onto anything below it. 

The snow marks the first day of snowfall, greeting everyone with temperature drops and pretty little snowflakes that make children stick their tongues in hopes that one of them will land on the top of their tongue. Small happinesses, that's what Changbin used to call them.

Now, he's not a huge fan of the snow, all due to the burdens that come once he goes out. Frosty gloves that turn damp by the time he reaches wherever he wants to go. Wet shoes that take so long to dry, and a headache that comes due to the weird clashing of his body temperature and the negative temperature outside. However, when he sees a little fleck of snow land itself onto the tip of his nose, even he can't deny the smile it puts onto his face. 

It's something about the snow, that makes him feel more happy than irritated. It's something that lingers in the joyous laugh of children around him, it's something that moulds its way into the hot chocolate that he loves drinking during this season, it's something that seems to be everywhere when the snow falls. 

He lets his heart lead him wherever it wants to go, because really, why have a specific destination in mind when the beauty you're looking for is all around you. 

He finds himself smiling at a stray dog that walks past him. It wags its tail at him excitedly, before running away, leaving small paw prints on the snow. 

When he looks up again, he realizes he's standing in front of the alley that has a place in his heart.

It's been a month since he was last here, and the alley looks so much prettier when it's memories hide under the inches of snow.

He takes a step closer, so he can see it properly, before freezing in place, his eyes finally noticing the person that stands in the middle, a few feet away from him. 

A long black winter coat, with a tuft of soft pink hair peeking out from the top. Their back is facing him, but regardless of that, Changbin's heart beats so loudly in his chest, a heavy feeling pressing onto his chest until he can't breathe.

As if sensing his presence, the person turns around, a calm expression on their face. 

Changbin blinks; once, twice. It sounds cliche, but he can't register anything else around him, it all disappearing when he lays his eyes on _him._

"Felix." Changbin whispers, and Felixs expression breaks into a smile, his eyes crinkling. Felix glows so brightly, looking genuine in a way that Changbin has never seen him be. This is Felix. This is who he's supposed to be. This is him. 

Felix raises his arms, as if inviting him for a hug, and Changbin doesn't even realize he's moved forward until his arms wrap around Felix's waist, their chests pressing together.

He clutches onto Felix like that, as the younger stumbles backwards. 

After so long, he can feel Felix. After so long, he feels relieved, and so many emotions at once. 

Felix hugs him tighter. Changbin feels happy. 

When their auras mix, Changbin knows that this is where he belongs. No matter how much he had missed Felix, nothing can match the amount of emotions he feels at the moment.

Changbin pulls back, carelessly removing his cold gloves from his hands before he cups Felix's face. 

"Y-you're here." Changbin says, focusing on the feeling of Felix's skin on his touch; warm, soft and _alive_.

"You're here with me." Changbin looks up at Felix's eyes, meeting his adoring gaze. 

"I am." Felix confirms, and Changbin lets his shoulders fall, finally letting the dam free the emotions he had been holding back. He's free now. He can feel now. The person who he needs is right in front of him. 

Changbin's eyes drift up to his hair, his expression turning into wonder. It's a pale pink, like sweet strawberry ice cream. It's strong, but reflects Felix in the best way possible. His eyes fall back down, noticing his shining eyes, and the little freckles on his face that get complimented by small snowflakes, like glitter sprinkled over his cheeks. 

He looks healthier, he looks better, he looks happier, and that is what makes Changbin so happy. Seeing Felix happy is what makes him happy.

"Why are you tearing up?" Felix giggles, although his voice sounds a little heavy too, burdened with the yearning to be with Changbin, to be in his presence and to feel all of him. Had he teared up? Changbin blinks, feeling cold tears sticking to his lashes.

"You look different."

"Better?" Felix suggests. 

Changbin nods, running a hand through Felix's hair, feeling the snow fall from in between his fingers. "Better."

If it was even possible, Felix seems to glow even brighter. 

"C-can we start over? Just leave everything in the past, and...start as strangers. Start with the new me." Felix says, glancing around nervously. 

"Of course, baby. You're glowing tonight." 

Felix blushes, causing Changbin to blush in shyness. "Thank you. Really." Felix says, adding emphasis on the last word. 

They stare at each other, a second turning two, until both of them break into a chuckle, laughing stupidly for no reason at all. Something blooms in Changbin's heart. This is the warmth that he was craving for.

Felix straightens his posture. "Hi! I'm Felix. I've been waiting to meet you all my life." He sticks a stiff hand out, waiting for a handshake. 

Changbin smiles, wanting to do nothing but hug Felix until his heart feels content. Instead, he says, "Hello. I'm Changbin. I've been waiting for you since forever." and then takes Felix's hand, shaking it stiffly before yanking it towards him. Felix stumbles forward, eyes widening until they are a few inches apart. 

"Wanna have dinner with me?" Changbin asks, and Felix nods heartily. 

"Wow. A day hasn't even passed and you're already taking me out on a date?" Felix teases. Changbin shoves him to the side as Felix's laugh gets louder, and then interlocks their fingers with cherry tinted cheeks. 

Felix was alone in the alley when they had first met, but now Changbin is there with him, hands clasped together and their hearts finding solace in each other. They leave the alley like that, together. 

(Changbin sees it from the corner of his eyes; the painting on the wall, decorated with pink, red and blue shades all over it, no traces of grey whatsoever. He doesn't even need to see it to know that Felix's painting is finally done. The painting is finally complete, and fuck, it looks absolutely enthralling.)

  * ˚ ༘๑♡՞‧₊



_"Some people have soulmates that they don't need, but some people have soulmates who are meant for each other to help each other. You might not even realize that they're your soulmate but the second you're struggling, they will come and save your life." His mom had once said, breeze playing with her brunette hair._

_He was just a young little flower then, and he didn't understand the beauty and bitterness of the world, so he had nodded along to her words, pretending._

_He pulled grass between his fingers and plucked it out from the ground, not believing a word his mother had said. It was implausible._

_Felix didn't believe it then, but at the age of sixteen, he changed his mind, being proved otherwise._

_Maybe some soulmates were really made to save each other._

  
  


**_— FIN._ **

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> aaaand doneeee !!!! wahhhh soo just a warning, super long ending note ahead!
> 
> first of all, I'm sorry if this wasn't accurate, I wrote this based on what I have experienced and researched !
> 
> secondly, if you're struggling, please know i'm here for you, and if you think your mental health is getting really bad please reach out and call or text a hotline !! this might seem stupid, but things will get better. trust me.
> 
> Now I'll finally talk about the fic! This took me a few months to write and this is my first fic thats over 10k words so i feel kinda proud of myself ????? idk lol
> 
> if you're confused, the reason why Felix didn't want to see Changbin was bc Felix thought he had already caused Changbin so much inconvenience, and it wasn't fair to Changbin when he constantly saw Felix in a depressed state because Felix knew it worried Changbin a lot. (Not to mention how Changbin saved Felix.) So, he distanced himself for a month, trying to improve his mental health before he let Changbin see him. Obviously, Felix didn't just get rid of his depression in a month, because that's fucking unrealistic, but I'd like to say that he had a slightly better mindset, and was less impulsive and suicidal than he was before he overdosed.
> 
> Also in the end i said Soulmates were supposed to save each other but idk how Felix saved Changbin LOL a plot hole i guess <\3
> 
> and yes, i gave it an open/ambiguous ending bc you guys can decide where their story goes from here !
> 
> Anndddd thank you to Koala for helping me with this fic and for hosting the fic fest as well ehe ! and to mir (@sunshinebbchan on twt!) for being my amazing beta and dealing with my annoying ass lol thank you two a lot !!!
> 
> also they might not see this, but thank you tiff for supporting me while i wrote this fic. I literally spammed them so much, but they were there ever since i started planning the plot ! thank you for listening to me and not blocking me lol ily sm you gremlin 🤤✋
> 
> and thats all i guess why is this so long wtf anyways if you liked this fic leave a kudo and a comment pls bc I’m doubting my whole writing umm anyways bye 😀


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